Well, this morning I went to the Barbells for Boobs/Amazing Grace fundraising event for Mammograms in Action, and that has inspired a new blog entry. Actually, this entry has been brewing for some time. I haven't worked out at Bulldog since October 3rd! But the whole time, I have been thinkingthinkingthinking about it. When should I go? If I go then, will I get enough sleep? If I go another time, will I have enough time to finish my work? What if there's traffic? What if? What if? What if? Well, what if I should quit going to Bulldog and just work out at home? Whoa.

Somehow it has seemed that the idea that I should be going to Bulldog, but can't find time to go, has blocked my ability to workout at home. But why keep paying for Bulldog if I'm not even going? My hubby and I are barely squeaking by financially, and sometimes we don't even squeak. Bulldog has been a justifiable expense up until now because of my success with it when I go and because of its importance in my life. But maybe I should quit now -- maybe just temporarily until my crazy schedule is better under control? I had almost made up my mind, but decided to approach today's workout with curiosity -- as a a sort of gauge. How do I feel? What did I like about it so much before? Do I feel it again or could I leave it for awhile and get by on my own? I have a kettlebell, a jump rope, a torture wheel -- even a bar and some weights, somewhere in the basement...

So I went. I felt super nervous after having been away for so long and now doing a workout with an audience -- and in the front row, no less! I felt needy. Needy for reassurance from Gio the coach and from my friends there. But I also felt guilty for feeling needy. So much going on in one little peabrain. My weight for the workout was pretty light at 35 lbs -- and I think I could have gone a little heavier (in retrospect) -- but it was hard for me. Hard to keep form, to keep pace, to keep going! I could have been using a PVC pipe and it still would have been a challenge. My counter was a great guy who kept me going. I finished in 4:54, which was great.

I stayed for one more round and then had to go. As I watched the next round, I looked around at all of the folks in the box (that's what Crossfitters call the gym). Everyone was cheering for everyone -- from the guy grunting to lift a whole stack of weights to me (who was only lifting a bar). I watched coaches and friends give instruction and encouragement. There was a feeling of excitement, competition, goodwill, and friendship. And I walked to my car remembering that I have goals. I want to lift heavier weights. I want to do a pull up some day. I want to strengthen my slimmer body. I want to keep learning what I can do. Not only that, but I like to watch other people learn what they can do and watch those who already know do awesome and crazy stuff at the box. It might be timesaving, peaceful, and cozy doing kettlebell swings in my living room, and yes, it is free; but I want to share my struggles and triumphs with others who are going through the same thing. And I want to learn how to do this stuff the right way. The cost is justified -- if I go.

As I drove home, I noticed something else: a calm, clean energy feeling that comes from working out. I haven't felt that since October 3rd. Sure, I've done some physically strenuous things since then, but it's not the same. Over the past few weeks I've felt pinned down by stress and my energy just scrambles nervously around my body until I feel drained. Working out at Bulldog channels my energy and helps me feel better.

By the time I got home, I knew what to do. Enough of this worried noodling and planningplanningplanning every day. Enough should I's. It's time to just decide and make a commitment to that decision. I used to have determination when I went to Bulldog. I'd grit my teeth and just go and get it done. I'm not sure where that went, but I'm bringing it back. I'm bringing back the badass. Watch out, I'm back.

A big phew from me for taking on the Fight Gone Bad this morning. And, although the image I chose is more related to doing a marathon, in a way, Fight Gone Bad is like a 17-minute marathon. You're more likely to puke at FGB, but, given the right moment, you just might shit your pants, too. The wall comes somewhere near the end of the second round.

Back in 2002, I finished the Portland, Oregon marathon. I alternated walking and running, but had a plan not to run until about the halfway point (after a major hill). I was so excited the morning of the race that I got to the site and realized that I'd forgotten my timing chip back at the hotel, about 6 blocks away. I panicked and ran all the way back to the hotel and then all the way back to the site. And I still had so much adrenalin that when the starting gun went off, even though I was toward the back, I started running. Luckily, one of my friends reminded me that we hadn't even crossed the start line yet and maybe I'd like to save my energy for the race. I was okay after that and finished the marathon in a little over 6 hours, which I was totally happy about. The next day I was sore, but was still able to go for a hike. Ah those were the days.

Last night I was getting so nervous about the Fight Gone Bad that I started watching videos of the lifting moves and practicing them. This morning, too, I had so much nervous energy that I started to get a little headache from it. I guess this is how I know that an event is important to me. Some of you donated money for me, and that gives this event even more personal meaning. It really means so much to me! I carry that with me into these events and it pushes me to do my best. And I like to see what I can do. I don't really know until I do it. But, just like the marathon, I have to hold the reigns when the buzzer goes off. This was especially true today, since I was doing the FGB after being out from Bulldog all of last week and not attending regularly before that. When I hurled the first wall ball, I knew it really was a fight.

And I made it through, of course. I don't think my number of reps (202) is as high as last year, but I know that my lifts were better in form this year and I felt stronger. I also know that I really need to work on my wall ball technique. This is a new goal for me. I've read in a few places that before you do your workout, it's a good idea to do your warm-up and then take a few minutes to practice something that you suck at. Friends, I'm going to practice wall ball.

Oh --and if you have no idea what wall ball is --it's taking a 10-20 lb medicine ball, doing a squat while holding the ball at chest height and then springing up while hurling the ball at a point 10-12 feet up on the wall, then catching it as you simultaneously go back down into your squat position. I managed to whack my face into the ball twice today, but also, I was just completely exhausted by the movement involved in each hurl. And I was only using a 10 pound ball.

Watching the Crossfit games this week on ESPN2 (next round is on 9/21) and then doing the Fight Gone Bad for my second time, I realized that going to Bulldog and doing workouts, getting better and feeling stronger, are so important to me. But lately I've been struggling with making it there regularly, which really is the key to making progress. So I'm taking the inspiration from this past week to recommit myself to Bulldog and to getting stronger. The first step to being successful with this is to get my ass up (and get to the early workout at Bulldog). Thanks for coming up with this catchy rap, Vanilla Ice: http://youtu.be/ZwQyG7iD92A.

(Thanks to "brilliantly sarcastic responses to completely well-meaning signs" at http://www.happyplace.com for the last image.)

but then
AGAIN!

What's going on here? What have I been up to since my most popular blog entry on August 19th? Let me tell you.

First of all though, thank you all so much for your comments on my WeightWatchers post. I loved the supportive messages and the not so supportive messages, too. I think it's important to discuss this stuff. And I do want to say that during my many stints with WW, I did learn some things. And some of what I learned have been helpful for me on the Whole30. I think the biggest thing that I got from WW is that first success with losing 68 pounds. Yes, there were problems with how I did it and how I couldn't have maintained it, BUT I still remember how I felt when I lost that weight. I remember feeling light and energetic and also like I had found the body that I was meant to be in. I would stop at mirrors and look at my legs and think, are those my legs? I had a shopping spree in taxless Portland and I remember trying on pair after pair of jeans ecstatically, because everything fit and everything looked good. In Portland I had wogged a marathon and went on to hike the next two days. Whoa! I was so fit! So I carry those feelings and memories with me as my goal feeling for eating "clean" after my "Whole60" is complete. I still have more to say about my body on WW vs. Whole30, but I'm going to save it for another post.

So, on my first Whole30, weeks 3 & 4, particularly 4, were more difficult for me. I did continue to have more energy than my pre-Whole30 self, but I started getting more migraines (some caused by hormonal changes) and at times I felt that my energy and good feelings were declining. For sure my stress was up and I wasn't getting enough sleep during week 3, but I realized, too, that toward the end of week 3 into week 4, I got lazy on the food prep and planning and started eating mainly beef for my protein. And during week 4, I upped my Bulldog workouts to 3 times per week. I felt fatigued off and on and I got migraines after each workout. Something was wrong. I started to feel disappointed, but deep down, I knew that it wasn't due to the Whole30 food. Melissa at Whole9 recommended that I take a week off from Bulldog and rest. She and Gio (coach at Bulldog) also told me to log everything --eating, sleeping, exercise, energy levels. So that's what this week has been.

I felt quite a lot of resistance to giving up Bulldog this week. I was just getting back into it! Gio had told me "Welcome back!" and I had replied, "It's good to be back." And then, what? I stop going? But I had to remind myself that it's only one week. Why do I have to be so all or nothing? For some reason my brain immediately jumps to saying, "So, it's time to quit Bulldog; well, Body, I told you this day would come." Sometimes I really get on my own nerves! Just to show my brain what's what, I wrote a big Bulldog across the week of September 5th.

And I got some groceries and stopped with the beef for a few days. Lo and behold, my energy levels went back to my earlier Whole30 days -- almost immediately. And my migraines did decrease this week as well. I still felt some fatigue and that is still a little bit of a mystery. I feel it usually in the morning when I get up. It could be a side effect of my preventative migraine medication that I take nightly (although it's an extremely low dose) or possibly my migraine abortive medication, although I have experienced it when I haven't taken any. I'm getting some vitamin D3 to try, since I know that fatigue can be a symptom of low D levels and I did test on the lower side last year. I'm not too concerned since the fatigue tends to wear off as I move around more and start waking up. Maybe some early morning stretching would help. I'll just play around with it and see what helps.

I completed my first Whole30 on August 30th. I posted my results on Facebook, but let me officially report them here, too:

I'm down 10 pounds (without even trying and with no cravings except for one time when I smelled freshly baked bread and had an almost pornographic image flash in my head of me eating buttered toast)

I frequently sleep through the night (for the first time ever in my life as far as I can remember)

Energy levels through the roof and the energy is consistent (no dips at 3 pm and 6 pm); husband still retreating to mancave periodically to recover from too much talking when I get home in the evening.

Reduced frequency and intensity of migraines (after years of trying almost every med, herbs, supplements, acupuncture, and physical therapy)

I'm learning to cook and I find it relaxing and rewarding as something I do for myself (cooking more has been a long-time wish of mine)

Weird eczema/psoriasis patch on my hand is finally healing after a year of treating it

I am also learning to "hear" my body. This is not easy -- and I always thought that I was pretty in tune with it; now I see that sometimes my brain tricks me.

With my first Whole30 complete, I thought carefully about my next step. I read the Whole9 materials for what to do after the Whole30, but I really feel that I need to give this a little more time. Even 3 months after my surgery, I still feel like I am recovering. And after years and years of increasing my junk food intake and also taking way too much relpax (yes, technically abusive levels, so much that my neurologist is "very concerned") for my migraines, I think I have more healing to do. For sure I have more weight to lose, but that will continue on even after my second Whole30 is over. I'm still learning about how this way of eating interacts with what I need to do during the day (including workouts and teaching). I also know that this way of eating doesn't cure everything. There are still things that I need to work on outside of my eating plan -- stress reduction, for example. Also, regarding my Bulldog migraines, although the workouts do sometimes seem to trigger a migraine, it's not the workout itself, but my tendency to hunch up, especially when I am trying to run or when I'm getting tired during a workout. I'm a Crossfitting Quasidmodo!

This hunchiness brings on a tension headache about an hour or two after my workout. That, in turn, triggers a migraine. I need to work on strengthening my postural muscles and I need to be mindful (no matter what I'm doing) of my tendency to hunch. For awhile, the migraines might just have to happen as I work on this -- and I am okay with that.

Most of all, I am excited to be on this new path of healthiness that feels so right to me. I have hope, when a month ago I felt desperate for relief and depressed at the thought of accepting that I would have to be tired and in pain for many years to come. Now I actually have more than hope -- I have success, the best positive feedback ever for maintaining this lifestyle change!

Stay tuned for more reports as I build in workouts and more meditation among other things! If you are trying to eat "paleo" or if you are considering the Whole30, let me know! And if you have migraines, I would really like to hear about how you handle them in your life.

May I offer you a little rant with my history? Although I haven't found a Whole30 bacon (yet!), this image (from the Cafe Press) is perfect for this post. But first, a brief history of me and my fat. I have felt overweight since the 4th grade (following a summer with my grandparents that I think of as the Summer of Peanut Buster Parfaits; when I came home my mom looked at me and said, "you're fat!"). In retrospect, I was just pudgy. My dad was a Type 1 diabetic, so I think my parents were watching me like a hawk for symptoms. Anyway, looking back at pictures, I really wasn't too bad, but I went on a doctor-suggested low cal diet in the 5th grade. I tried it off and on to no avail. The summer before high school, my nervousness and a new found motivator named Richard Simmons (I know, I know), led me to a pretty remarkable weight loss. But as I got used to high school, the weight crept back. A similar loss occurred before my second year in college, and so on over the years until I stopped trying and just got bigger. Until 2001-2002.

At my biggest at that time (237), I was horrified when I saw a picture of me: a cliche moment where I had felt svelte and the camera caught every dimple of fat trying to press its way out of my too tight skirt. Oof. So I joined Weight Watchers and started walking on a treadmill. It worked. Sort of. I dropped 68 pounds and was almost at my goal weight after wogging the Portland marathon. Then I met my now hubby, found a new love for brie and red wine at 2 a.m., ate my way through my mom's cancer treatments and death, and continued to eat my way through other crises and also celebrations, happy, sad, and boring times; I just ate. There were bouts of fitness and healthy eating, returns to WW, but no lasting success.

Looking back at my "success" with WW, I acknowledge that it was flawed. I was walking and exercising so much that I got almost double the points per day. I was a grad student finishing my dissertation and had all the time in the world for exercise and math. I lived alone (pre-hubster) and controlled my food strictly. I ate so many WW meals that I still get nauseous at the sight of them at the grocery store. This was not a maintainable lifestyle.

As I was attending WW meetings, I kept hearing members and leaders say, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." Every time I heard that I would think "WTF are these people eating?" (Maybe they forgot what real food tastes like?) Even at my lowest weight, I was pretty sure that chocolate or a cold beer could kick thin's ass. In looking for blog images, I saw that this quote was attributed to Kate Moss (except she used the word "skinny" rather than "thin"). If that's true...I don't even know what to say -- I just want to pound on something or weep.

I know that I am bashing WW a bit here. Their program seems to work for some people; and for folks who would never consider a program like Whole30, it is an accessible way to be healthier. But ugh! their chemical-laden "foods" are so bad! They do encourage members to eat veggies, etc., but the temptation of their WW processed food often wins out in members' attempts to get the most food possible in their points scheme. This plan never clicked with me. Even with double the points, I was tortured by the possibility and acceptability of cheating because "we can eat anything, just not everything." At meetings I would stare at the boxes of WW sweets -- supposedly okay substitute cheats. Sometimes I would eat an entire box of some bars or cookies in one sitting and actually think, well at least it wasn't a REAL box of cookies. I would log the points and possibly reduce my next meal or three to accommodate my binge. Of course that would make me hungry and guess what happened then? Uh huh. Chomp. We learned about "eating to fill a psychological hole." And I tried to figure out what else would fill this hole. Nothing ever seemed to work to fight off these cravings. We were told not to let a slip bring us down and that somehow made giving into the cravings even easier. Also, I would not eat before weigh-ins (no one ever does! a room full of starving fat folks staring at boxes of foodlike chemicals, hmmmm) and then I would feel a light-headed but competitive drive to win as we reported our losses to our leader for star stickers and trinkets.

My attempts at WW remind me of a sad time in high school where I joined a Christian student group that would occasionally join up with other groups and attend "born-again" events. There would be "come to Jesus" moments at the end of the event where we were encouraged to come up and let Jesus into our hearts and be saved. I did this over and over again, event after event, just waiting for the feeling in my heart, waiting to feel saved. It did feel nice to have hands on my head and hugs afterward, but I never felt that magical moment that I was expecting. And I would wonder, did I do it wrong? Is it just one heart per event? Did Jesus pick someone else?

It was kind of the same with WW. The first time, I did feel successful, but it was tempered with bouts of guilt and worry over my cravings and my binges and again, the unmaintainability of this lifestyle. My next attempts just never worked. When I gained the weight back, I kept trying to figure out how I was doing it wrong. What was my psychological hole? I felt guilty and confused. All of my energy was spent on calculating how much I could eat and how much I should exercise to be able to eat more. It felt nice to go to the meetings and good to follow a plan, but I could not figure out that "thin feeling" that could be better than food!

Then Whole30 stepped up to the altar. Yike, wait, back up, that might be too much, although I have called the plan a miracle in my last post, and yes, I might even feel "saved" at the moment...but let's just say: My feelings for (and on) the Whole30 plan are very different. When I started Whole30, something just clicked. The meals that I have are not huge or tiny. I am satisfied and, honest to goodness, I do not have cravings. When I'm hungry, I eat. I try to plan for protein and fat for snacks and meals. And I do have to spend some energy looking up new (and delicious) recipes to keep my meals varied and my tummy happy, plus I have to be sure to have groceries each week rather than picking up fast food or getting pizza. But that's it.

I realize now that what I was eating on the WW program was triggering cravings, binges, migraines, bad health, and unhealthy habits. On Whole30 I have no temptation to binge. It is day 19 and I just got through a round of days where normally I crave chocolate, cheese, and bread and would eat as much as I could hold. But this time: not. Not a single craving, except maybe once for a piece of gum because I had dragon breath. These foods are all around me almost all the time and, while they do smell good, my body just does not want them. I can't express to you in words how amazing this is or what this feels like, except to say that it just feels right.

In exploring this just right feeling every day, I've also come to learn that I don't need to choose between food and thin. When the food is right, the body will heal. I've dropped 8 pounds without trying and without exercising much in the past three weeks. To lose 8 pounds in 19 days without a craving (except for that gum incident) is really something.

Oh, in case you are worrying about my Jesus-less heart, over time I have come to understand that I never really needed to be saved all those times way back when: love, wisdom, and goodness were in my heart all along; I just needed to stop and listen.

Aw.

I have been so busy with teaching and babysitting (and cooking and eating!) lately that I haven't had a chance to write a blog post. At long last, on Day 13 of the Whole30, I have a little time! As referenced by the Engrish image, things are going well. Really well! Here what has happened so far:

The biggest thing (so I'm writing it with big letters): NO MORE MIGRAINES during the day. This started happening on the very first day. I still have been getting them in the middle of the night, but I may be on to the cause of that. Sometimes the nighttime migraines go away on their own and sometimes they start ramping up and I take a Relpax (migraine abortive). Interestingly, the Relpax really knocks me for a loop now, as if I've become more sensitive to it. I never thought that food affected my migraines in all of these years of keeping journals, seeing neurologists, and trying out so many drugs and treatments. I am still just in awe of this result.

The next biggest thing: ENERGY! My energy levels are now fairly steady (no 3:00 p.m. dip!) and much higher. In fact, I have so much energy left at the end of the day that I come home and can't stop talking to J. (my hubster). Sometimes he has to go to his man-cave for a break. Before my Whole30 days, I would come home exhausted, usually with a migraine, and only have energy to surf around online or watch TV crabbily. Sometimes I would pop a Relpax and a Tylenol 3 and go to bed at 6 p.m.! I am still learning what to do this new energy. At first I feared it, because sometimes I get a little hyper and feel particularly ecstatic right before I get smacked with a really bad migraine. But that's not this energy. This is the energy that I knew I should have when I was trying to figure out why I wasn't more robust. I've also become more sensitive to coffee. I can only have a half cup in the morning or I feel like a rocket about to take off. I think I'm going to cut it completely and go decaf except to treat any migraines that might rear up in the future.

Next: WEIGHT I know that the Whole30 is not a time to be focusing on weight loss. It is a time to focus on learning new healthy ways, mindfully realizing and getting through cravings for unWhole30 foods, and, really, healing from what those foods have done to my body. But when I pulled my jeans out of the dryer, put them on and pulled them up easily and without my characteristic wriggle-jump-and-pull dance, I stepped on the scale with all due respect toward a mindful Whole30 program. I've lost 6 pounds. After months of writing down everything that I'm eating and dropping 1 pound, now 6! I understand that I have lost a lot of high calorie foods and replaced them with lower calorie selections, but I also have a feeling that this 6 pounds is a confirmation from my dear bod that the foods I'm eating now are right for me.

Also, COOKING and NEW FOODS! I have never been much of a meat eater and I am not all that adventurous with my cooking, but on Whole30, some variety is not only nice for your palate, but best for your bod. I've always wanted to cook more and now I am. Sometimes at the end of the day, I am not very inspired to cook up a meal, but once I get started, I'm finding that it is very relaxing and a good transition into home life (vs. work life). It gives me time to process the day and try not to carry it into my time at home with my husband. And I've found some really simple and really yummy recipes on the Whole9 site and at my new favorite site (that I learned about via Whole9) The Clothes Make the Girl.

There is a lot more to write about, but I think this is a good start for now. I am still continuing to just see what happens with this. My body is still trying to figure out how to have energy for Bulldog workouts and I'm going to push it a bit with three workouts next week. And I am still trying to figure out what works (hello, coconut products!) and what doesn't (not so many Larabars!).

Thanks so much to all of you out there who are supporting me in this!! I am so grateful to Bulldog for having a link to Whole9 on their website. And I am grateful almost to tears for the folks at Whole9 -- and Melissa Hartwig in particular at Whole30/Whole9 for answering my questions and always e-cheering me on. You all are changing peoples lives for the better. I was so "fed up" (ha ha!), discouraged, and even pushed to desperation by my migraines and failed solutions when I clicked on that fateful Whole9 link and started reading. To have this many days of energy, productivity, positivity, and feeling good really is a miracle for me. Cue Barry Manilow: IT'S A MIRACLE!

Goodbye fast-food carbs (even though you are adorable). Starting tomorrow I am embarking on the Whole30 adventure. Without going into too much detail about what my body told my physical therapist and recent findings from Google research trips, I've decided to try 30 days of meat, fish, eggs, vegetables, some fruit, and some nuts/seeds. No grains, no sugar, no dairy, no alcohol, no funky preservatives, additives, etc. I'm thinking of this as a sort of investigation into the effects of food on my migraines and my overall well being.

I've never thought that I had food allergies, yet I've read so much lately on the inflammation effect of certain foods that I am wondering if some of my migraines might be my response to some foods and additives. Gio at Bulldog also mentioned something about the possibility of my migraines as a response to gluten. Recently I read an article in More magazine about Lyn-Genet Recitas's theory that we need to consider inflammation-response to foods at the level of the individual in order to lose weight and be at our best. I think this is really interesting, yet a little overwhelming to try to undertake a detox and investigation of all foods. The Whole30 program at Whole9 seems much more doable for me at the moment.

In general, I don't participate in trendy "diets" -- and I do think that anti-inflammation diets have been growing in popularity over the years -- but I think it makes sense to give this a try before I do something like getting botulism injected into my forehead, neck, and shoulders. With all of the processing and preserving that our food goes through before it lands on our plate, I do understand how some foods could be causing health issues. That is as far as I'll go (in this entry) in justifying the "paleo" diet as a way of reducing these issues. I'm starting to read Robb Wolf's Paleo Solution, but I haven't read enough to say anything more on this topic.

I'll write more about my adventure and my findings, challenges (cheese! oh cheese!), and successes as the 30 days pass! Although I have the support of my hubby, he will not be participating directly in the adventure. I've asked him not to flaunt his food in front of me. If any of you would like to join me, let me know! I would love the company and support!

Only the words of Peaches and Herb can express my Bulldog experience this morning: "Reunited and it feels so good!" At last, I got to reunite with the kettlebell. After I did my usual warm-up (more like an overheat-up and then sweat-way-too-much-and-form-cloud-of-stank-up!) and my PUPs and my back planks and my one-legged still twitchy planks, I got to move into a workout that went like this:

1. Ab wheel torture test: with my feet on the pedals of the ab wheel (but while lying down), roll the wheel in and out while keeping my butt off the floor the whole time; 10 reps rolling out and in x 3 sets (no, this was not a pretty exercise; lots of exclamations from me as I tried to grasp my cramping calf muscles without wheeling myself into an even worse position).

2. Walking lunges (5 ea leg), but with standing up from the lunge using a pvc pipe (kind of in a moses's staff-like way) to stand up.

3. A sort of progressive SDHP (sumo deadlift high pull) starting with a 24kg (53lb) kettlebell and then moving to a 20kg (44lb) kb and then 16kg (35lb) kb with increasing reps as the weight decreased. This was when I started singing the "Reunited" song in my head. It was a tough reunion and it required a new breathing pattern and precision focus on my form that was a challenge to say the least. But still great to lift something that wasn't my body!

4. Step ups (onto a box) 5 ea leg x 2 reps without touching the non-stepping-up leg onto the box.

Afterward Gio showed me a new and awful stretch for my lower back and hips. It is always a surprise to find out how excruciating and exhausting a stretch can be! But it did do wonders for loosening up my back. Even though I was pretty whiny today, I was awesomely glad to step up my workout and get some extra tips and help from Gio.

I'm excited to keep working with the kettlebell at Bulldog and at home. As Peaches and Herb sang it: "Oh lovin' lover this is solid love [53 lbs of cast iron]/ And you're exactly what I'm dreaming of/ all through the day and all through the night [okay, that might be a little excessive -- I don't want to hulk up my biceps]/ I'll give you all the love I have with all my might, hey-hey." Yep, with all my might! I'll be back at Bulldog on Tuesday morning. In case you now have the "Reunited" song stuck in your head, go here. And, truth be told, I sing the "Reunited" song every time I find a long lost sock and reunite it with its partner.

You probably didn't notice, and I don't blame you, but just for my own accountability: I never did do my Bulldog workout at home. I only just went to Bulldog this morning after a week of not being active. Why? Mostly because of my dang head.

Thus the topic for this new post: my dang head. I don't want to harp on about this or sound like a martyr. Getting the tone right in a blog is not always easy. My reason for writing about this particular topic, aside from explaining how my dang head got in the way, is to let you know more about me and also to possibly inspire others who are struggling with chronic pain and trying to figure out how to work out. Also, if anyone reads this and would like to share information with me, that would be great. Some of you already know that I have migraines. I get one almost every day. The days when I don't have them are awesome, but filled with a lot of self checks -- was that a twinge? is it coming? Luckily, my migraine will usually start up in the afternoon/early evening. Now and then I go through times when I wake up with them in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning. Other times I go through weird phases where I can't seem to break the cycle of them and I just have to go through a full migraine experience.

I try not to make a big deal out of them. It's not that I am writhing in a dark room puking up my meds on a daily basis. But even the early onset of a migraine changes me. I get tired, groggy, and crabby. Sometimes I crave carbohydrates. Sometimes I see a white flashing star at the far right corner of my visual field. Or sometimes I get vertigo. Sometimes there is no warning and no slow build, just a whomping out of nowhere. From reading so many accounts online and in Oliver Sacks's book on migraine, I know that everyone's migraine experience is different. But I also know that they suck for everyone involved.

I take Relpax (eltriptan) to stop the migraine. It usually works, but you're really only supposed to take it once or twice a week, not every day. That makes sense because triptans work by causing blood vessels to contract. That's not a good thing to do to your body on a daily basis. On a bad day, I might have to take it twice. My neurologist is concerned and has told me to try not to take so much. Riiiiight... Every day I have the decision to wait and try to get it to go away by some other means or take a Relpax. Occasionally they do go away on their own. I never know why, so it seems almost magical when it happens. Sometimes I can hold one off for a bit with Tylenol and codeine. But if I wait too long to take the Relpax, it's bad -- it might not work or it might make it worse and I'll start barfing and go through the whole migraine trauma. Sometimes the pain is so bad that I can't put my head down because the pressure of the pillow hurts. The sound of dish clank two rooms away is excruciating and even the dimmest light is piercing. I can almost hear my skin being touched by the sheets. All I can do is breathe and wait for it to be over. But I know that I am lucky with my migraines because it could be that bad or worse every time and with no medication that works or no health insurance to cover medication and visits to the doctor.

When I do take a Relpax, I can function, but I'm foggy for a few hours. So a lot of times, especially if I'm teaching, I have to hold off. It takes a lot of guesstimating -- should I wait, take it now and hope the fog will clear in time, how bad does it hurt now, do I need to cancel anything, can I drive, etc.

I've tried so many preventatives, but nothing seems to work. At the moment I am backing off of neurontin and trying to tolerate two new medications. I've tried herbal remedies and acupuncture. Now I am going to physical/craniosacral therapy every week. But the migraines keep on showing up.

Almost everything can be a trigger for me but the big ones are stress, too little/too much sleep, hormonal changes, approaching storms, certain exercises when I hold my breath or get very out of breath, red wine, and cheap or very hoppy beer. I've thought about Botox, but I seem to be so sensitive to everything that I am afraid to introduce a toxin of that extreme to my system.

I have an intuitive feeling that if I can get my weight down and my fitness up, that this will help a lot. But of course that's hard when the migraines flair up and prevent me from exercising (and make me crave donuts and toast and cookies). That is one reason why I try to do Bulldog early in the morning before I usually get a migraine (and before my stronger "oh hell no" reflex kicks in) -- and why it almost never works when I plan on working out in the evening.

Oof! Is this boring? Maybe! I've noticed that I like to read details of other migraine victims' attempts to cope. But I know this is not my usual fun post!

So, to conclude, my plan is to do my best to work around and even decrease my migraines as best I can and just keep on chugging along. This morning I made it to Bulldog despite a 3 a.m. migraine and relpax. Interestingly, I have not had another migraine episode yet today (and it's 10:30 p.m.)!

I'm grateful to Gio for continuing to work on fixing my slouch and suggesting stretches and other changes that might help. And I'm grateful to my hubster for pushing on my head when I need him to and for always being supportive (although he does run away [for real] when I barf). I'll be back at Bulldog on Friday morning. Good night for now!

(Image from marriedtothesea.com)

Today at Bulldog I gained a new appreciation for the ab wheel and renewed my gratitude for Gio's wisdom. Here's how it all happened: It was such a sticky morning that I brought two water bottles to Bulldog and drank most of the first one on my drive there! (My car has no air conditioning.) I think that was a good thing. I warmed up as usual, though I noted that my squats are really improving. I moved on to my PUPs. Gio upped my hold time for each plank position to 6 seconds and upped my PUP (ha! "UP PUP! Pup is up." Dr. Seuss) count to 6. I'm definitely noticing that I can hold a higher position for longer, but it's still pretty exhausting! I did 11 back planks (hold for 6 seconds) and did 12 one-legged back planks (6 ea leg). These are still twitchy, but coming along! At this point I was tired but so excited to see this much progress after one week's return to Bulldog and one weekend of extreme gardening!

But oh those one-legged box dip thingies. I told Gio that I felt like I was really struggling with them. I know that I'm too far forward -- I can feel it. And last week my knees were crying out "We can't hold ya, Girl!" At night they wept quietly. Anyway, what to do? Gio said, "Let me get the wheel." I fought the urge to run as he brought out an ab wheel. I had flashbacks to the one workout where I had tried to wheel myself forward and then back again with my hands on little handles. It was not a pretty sight to behold, friends. Lots of sweating, cursing, and flopping on the floor. I had to give up with that part of the workout and it was incredibly frustrating. But at second glance, this ab wheel that Gio brought out had pedals. Huh?

For a few terrifying moments I pictured myself trying to pedal it around Bulldog, like the guy in the top illustration. But no, I had to lie down on my back and then put my feet in the pedals. I then had to roll the wheel up to my butt, do a bridge, and then roll it out again. This was not easy, but I could kind of do it. I did three sets of 3. Gio explained that this would activate the necessary muscles for a better formed dip on the box. I was skeptical, but up for seeing what it would do. And by golly wow it worked! On Friday I could hardly dip with one leg and touch my toe tip of my other foot to the floor. Now I magically felt myself leaning back into my hip and butt and dipping the other foot to the floor successfully. Not effortlessly, but I could do it. My knees wept, this time out of relief. Or maybe that was just sweat. Anyway! The ab wheel with pedals is my new friend! I'm looking forward to another week of progress at Bulldog. Thanks, Gio!!

[Note: image from the awesome explodingdog.com site]

I did it! I made it to Bulldog three times this week. Each time it was hard, but one hundred percent worth the sweat and sore muscles. I worked on mostly the same stuff in each session: PUPs (front, side, back, other side, back, side, front planks); back planks with both legs; one-legged back planks; and on Wednesday and today I did one-legged box dips where I stand on a box with one leg, hang the other one off the side and touch 1st toe tip, then ball of foot, then mid foot, then whole foot to the floor without pushing off. (Not easy. Whole lotta shakin' goin' on.) Plus lots of stretching afterward.

Over the course of just this week, I've already gotten stronger. My PUPs are better and my one-legged back plank twitches are more like a lift on the right side. I've still got a ways to go, but it's so rewarding to be back at Bulldog, taking time for myself, and on my way back to matching my outer bad-ass with my inner bad-ass.

Thanks to Gio, everyone at Bulldog, and my FB friends for cheering me on and getting me through this first week! Special thanks to my hubby for his woohoos and back rubs. And thanks to the always-sunny Juanita for being always-sunny. Looking forward to more reps and more challenges next week. I'm stocked up on epsom salts and arnica, so bring it on!

(Note: this image is from a planking website.) So, I made it to Bulldog today -- at last! I have to admit that I was incredibly nervous. I'm not sure why, exactly, but I almost felt like I was starting all over again. I hadn't been to the snazzy new location and I felt a little lost. But then my old Bulldog friends Laura and Mary called out and Gio was there and Austin and Christian said Hi, and I felt at home again: a very hot and humid home where people drag themselves around on the floor like paralyzed zombies.

Actually, the remaining folks from the 5:45 a.m. class were finishing up today's WOD (Workout Of the Day) which involved a "plank walk." Not the pirate kind, but holding a plank position while walking forward on your hands. It looked a lot like when our dog Mo ruptured a disc in his back and his hind legs were paralyzed. A sad sight with Mo (he's okay now) and a really sad sight with my sweaty Bulldog buddies (they are probably hurting now). My apprehension returned a little, but I stayed.

I consulted with Gio about the scheduled warm-up and did a modified version:
500 meter row (instead of a run around the block) I was really surprised at how exhausting this was! But then on to the rest of the warm-up:
10 ring rows (instead of pull ups)
20 bridges
20 leg swings (each leg)
20 lunge/squat combos (that have left me unable to go down steps or slopes)
arm/wrist mobility exercise
and finally the couch stretch (sounds easy right? find a couch and stretch out! but no, it looks like this and it sometimes makes me queasy to hold it for a minute. Sure, this Crossfit LA guy looks like he's smiling, but that's how they grimace in LA.)

It took me quite a long time to make it through the warm-up. Some Crossfit folks like to say "your workout is our warm up" and today, for me, that was close to true. How did I do this before? Well, barely, to be honest. How long before I get back to that shape? How long before I'm even better? Let's find out!

My workout for today was not what everyone else did. It was PUPs: 5 front to side to back to side to front planks, and then 10 side-back-side planks and 10 front planks (each position held for 3-5 seconds). Then I had a little rest and then did 5 back planks with resistance. Lastly, I attempted 5 one-legged back planks, which more resembled me twitching on the floor in a strange position than the sleek,one-legged lift that it should have been. But that's where I'm at right now. Soon my twitching will be lifting!

I was very tired out by the end, but nothing hurt in a bad way and I felt the awesomely powerful glow that comes from a Bulldog workout. To top it all off, I realized that I was part of that new hip trend: planking. When I was trying to look like this (sure, with a weight, why not?):

I sometimes looked like this (but the giant cream pie was only in my mind):

I'm so glad that I went today! I'll be back at Bulldog again on Wednesday, but I'll be doing more planking with PUPs and the one-legged twitch at home tomorrow. Many thanks to Gio and to all of you who keep on encouraging me!!!

Time to go back to Bulldog! I'll be starting back tomorrow, but not in my usual 5:45 a.m. class (sorry, gals!). Instead I'm going at 7:00 a.m. to "ease" into it a bit. I don't really even know what this means for a Crossfit workout (I'm pretty sure that if Gio [one of the coaches] is reading this, he just frowned and decided to give me 10 burpees), but I plan to show up and do my best. Yes, I am a little nervous about it, but I know it's time to get started. It will be hard and even pretty unpleasant in the beginning. I haven't been at Bulldog since April 20th! I am weak and floppy and still easily tired out. A little voice is saying, "Wait one more week!" One more week of waiting is one more week lost for my goal of getting stronger. So, the time to do it is now! Stay tuned!

This image is me (a few years back on my honeymoon) with a Little Uglys Chuckanucka. He hangs out on my desk at home. Here is his description: "You know what? Chuckanucka. That's what. Chuckanucka worries about pretty much everything under the sun: What if the phone rings when I go out? What if the mailman tries to deliver my Deluxe Ugly Earmuffs when I'm in the bathroom? Hey, I don't remember leaving the closet door open just a crack like that! What if I can't ever stop thinking about my name over and over? Chuckanucka!"

Pretty much I AM Chuckanucka. Especially when I have a lot of time on my hands, which has been the case lately. My brain is in overdrive. Even when I'm sleeping it makes me have dreams about things I worry about: Last week I dreamed that I was ordering office supplies and wanted to make sure that everything totaled up correctly. Two nights ago I dreamed that I was consulting with a group of supportive gay friends about what color and cut are best for my hair. My brain doesn't get to leave the spin cycle ever. I plan everything -- I worry through every possibility.

But why? What does this worrying accomplish? It must serve some purpose for me or else I wouldn't do it.

I think in some ways it prevents me or protects me from taking action. I worry, research, and plan, thinking that I'll keep on until I feel like I'm ready to do whatever it is or decide definitely that it is not for me. My top worried-about plans lately have been losing weight and returning to Bulldog. Prior to my surgery, I thought of the recovery time as a transition into a "better me": I would rest and relax (at last!) and then I would 1) transition to a more active life with a daily exercise routine 2) eat better 3) lose weight and keep it off 4) work on stress reduction through daily meditation and just having fun. Sounds awesome!

But instead as the days have worn on and the pain pills have worn off, I've mostly just worried and then watched TV. I've worried about what to eat -- Paleo? Weightwatchers? Or just eat healthier and focus on portion control? Worried about whether Bulldog is too much (despite my earlier postings) -- should I just walk/run every day and save money? Join a gentle gym (okay ladies, pick up your 5 lb weight carefully...)? Go to a yoga class? And I've planned -- by researching relentlessly about too much exertion, what exercises folks *really* stick with, eating too little, eating too much gluten, eating too much protein, not eating adorable cows and sickly chickens, reading what Oprah says about becoming the real me, finding my true calling, dealing with stress like a star, blah blah blah. Endless searching for justification, motivation, that last key to finally unlocking the magical door to doing something at last.

I don't think I'll ever find the key before I open the door. In fact, the key IS opening the door. (Whoa, I think I just blew my own mind.) Instead of opening the door, I am mired in overwhelmed inaction that leads me away from the door and to the couch with some comfort food and the TV for some numbing time. Once I'm numb, it's usually time for bed (Hey, I don't remember leaving the closet door open just a crack like that!).

This isn't the life I want for myself. Time to stop all of this thinking, thinking, thinking and do. Chuckanucka!

Well, some of you already know, but just to keep everyone in the loop and also to explain why I haven't been going to Bulldog -- I have a surgery scheduled in a few weeks and the doctor has advised me not to exercise. The funny thing is, when she told me, I asked her what could happen if I did. She said I probably wouldn't injure anything, but it could hurt really bad. Stop exercising just because it might hurt? That seemed kind of foreign to me. But the kind of hurt she is talking about is the kind that is unbelievably bad and I don't need to add that to my days leading up to the surgery.

So, I'll have to work my inner bulldog, but not my outer bulldog! I'm focusing on how great it will be once this is all over and I can work out full-on without any worries. This is going to be an awesome summer! Mark my words!! Woof Woof!

Today's theme: Two out of three ain't bad. If you're old enough, you now have a Meatloaf song stuck in your head. You're welcome. Why is this the theme? Read on.

I was so close to not going to Bulldog this morning that I even almost drove by the Pound instead of parking! It all started when I woke up...almost every hour on the hour last night. I finally fell asleep just before the alarm went off. The dogs wouldn't allow for any snooze time though. But even as I was up, I was planning: If I don't go today, I can go tomorrow and then try to go Friday, even though it will be really hard for Friday. Or maybe I could go tonight and then Friday. Or maybe just tomorrow and then hang it up for this week. I could go back to bed for an hour and then get up and work out at home....So many options that would have led to a missed Bulldog today and probably only two sessions this week. But then I saw "kettlebell" online in the workout for today and I was lured in once again.

But as I drove to Bulldog, I felt twinges of pain. I don't know what blog etiquette requires with respect to t.m.i. -- but I'm a pretty straight forward gal when it comes to talking about one's body. I have a cyst that is not small and it's pushing on some of my internal stuffing. It can turn and twist and cause a lot of discomfort. So the twinge before a workout didn't seem like a good sign. I tried to focus on singing Aha's "Take on Me" (laugh if you will, but that guy was hot in his 80's jeans!) and ignoring the pain. But I did think as I drove up to the building, "Hmmmm, no one knows I made it this far..." kettlebell...kettlebellllllllllll....whispered the wind. Or maybe it was Juanita. Anyway, I parked and went in.

I warmed up but took it easy. Then the lifting session: front squats (my worst lift, I think) I have no max for this yet, so Gio recommended 5 x 55lbs, 5 x 65lbs, and 5 x 75lbs. It was not easy, but I did them. Thanks to my fine partners Mary and Laura! But the pain got a little worse. I acknowledged it, but moved on to the workout:

3 rounds of
30 kettlebell swings (American-style [overhead] not as fun as Love American Style, but pretty close)
30 kettlebell sumo deadlift high pulls
15 lunges with kettlebell (15 each leg)
15 sit ups with your friend the kettlebell

I tried to sneak by with a 20lb kettlebell, but Gio wasn't having it. 26 lbs.

The first round was already pretty killer. If my form were better on the swings and sdhps, it would probably not be as tiring. But it was what it was, and I made it through the round.

Halfway into the second round I started to feel a telltale warning cramp. When this happened before, a few months ago, I thought I could push through it. I did push through it then and wound up in pretty bad shape, missing two days of work and a couple weeks of Bulldog. This time I completed the second round, and I knew that I probably could have completed the third round. Not quickly, not easily, but I could get through. But it would have possibly cost me an injury and missed Bulldog days.

So I completed the second round (in 23:50) and told Gio that I was calling it quits. It was actually very difficult to make myself stop. To not finish the workout. I felt like I let myself down and everyone else who was cheering me on. Funny, isn't it? I can go from having to be lured to the gym by a kettlebell workout, to having a hard time deciding to end a workout when I know it could lead to injury. My mind is a very tricky structure. But Gio understood my disappointment and pointed out what an accomplishment completing even two rounds is for me. He is right. Two out of three ain't bad! (You knew I had to get back there, right?)

By the time I got home, I was in some pretty bad pain, but happily some ibuprofen, coffee, and a good breakfast fixed me up. I have a surgery in my not-so-distant future, but I am so looking forward to not having this thing to worry about anymore.

It is not easy to learn the difference between pain that you can push through and pain that you should stop for. I am still working on this. I think it takes experience, intuition, and maybe even making a bad choice here and there and experiencing an injury.

I'll be back at Bulldog tomorrow a.m. or Friday at the latest. (Note: I could have taken the "Twisted Cyster" route for this blog, but chose Meatloaf as the more palatable choice. Get it?)

One more Meatloaf graphic that totally cracked me up:

Well, it's Monday. It was a hard Monday and not as many of us made it to Bulldog this morning. I got up at 4:30 a.m. and took my dogs out in the backyard. They both immediately turned back to me. It was dark. It was cold. It was pouring rain. Oh hell no, we all thought. I looked online at the workout for today...box jumps (ugh), wall-ball burpees (wtf are those?), pull ups...sigh. By now 10 minutes had passed and the dogs were curled up together and snoring softly at my feet. And I thought. I thought about my commitment to myself to do this, to get stronger, to get better. I thought about the warm bed and how good it would feel to climb back under those covers for a couple more hours. Then I thought about how disappointed I feel when I miss a workout that I know I could have gone to. This morning I didn't have a migraine. I wasn't sore. Really, I wasn't even tired. "Oh hell, yes I'm going," I told those lucky dogs.

So I went. And on the way there, the rain turned to snow and ice. Nope, nature couldn't help me out. Luckily the Stones came on the radio, so some loud shadoobies helped me on my way. (Shattered)

It was definitely hard. I felt very slow and heavy today. After slogging through 3/4 of the warm-up, I started the strength portion. We did deadlifts starting with 90% of our max (190 for me) we did 5 x 65%, 5x 75%, and 5 X 85%; so for me this was 115, 130 and 150. 150 was pretty difficult, but I made it through.

Then that workout. I won't lie: when I heard what wall ball burpees are, I gave Gio every sad puppy look I could muster. It's a burpee where you do the push up part on the wall ball, then as you jump up from the squat position, you launch the wall ball at a spot 8-10 feet up on the wall. My plain old burpees look like a very drunk person who might have dropped a quarter or a contact on the floor and is then trying to stagger back up to standing again after someone dropped an ice cube down the back of their pants. Trying to get a wall-ball toss in there is pretty hopeless.

Note: Gio is completely immune to my pleading looks. Not that he doesn't see them, but I'm not there to have an easy workout and Gio knows it. He is very determined to have me succeed --even more determined than I am a lot of the time. He proves to me what I can do. Does that make sense? I think so.

So I did the whole workout, with a few slight adjustments:

3 rounds of 20 box jumps (box step ups for me); 15 wall-ball burpees (10 lb ball); and 10 pull ups (ring rows for me). I completed this in 22:57. I came very close to making it on the Uncle Pukie board, but I managed to contain my stomach contents like a proper lady.

By the time I left Bulldog, it had stopped snowing and raining. Still a pretty cold and sleepy day -- and I've been pretty fatigued throughout the day; but I also know that my meals after breakfast have not been the best. I definitely need to work on that!

I'll try to head back to Bulldog tomorrow morning or Wednesday at the latest. Thanks much to Gio and Greg and Michelle and to Doug, Austin, and Travis for encouraging me today!!

Finally made it back to Bulldog this morning after a good night's sleep. Hurray! When I saw today's workout online before I left, I thought "oh, power cleans! no problem!" and then "oof, how much running?!" But at least all I have to do for that is slog on and breathe. It's no crab walk! :)

I did the regular warm-up plus some additional stretches that Gio gave me that really helped my morning stiffness. Then on to the workout:

10 x power cleans
600m run (400 for me)
8 x power cleans
600m run (400)
6 x power cleans
600m run (400)
4 x power cleans
600m run (400)
2 x power cleans
600m run (400)

I just about skipped over to the rack of weight bars and selected my 35 lb bar and picked my spot to stand. Gio explained that we were supposed to do 75 lbs or 25% of our body weight, whichever was more. "But that's not for me," I was thinking. Until Gio spotted my unbeweighted bar, that is. He had me go up to 55lbs. I thought (and said out loud), No Way!! But Gio is wise. He had me try a few deadlifts (no worries there!) and pulls (went okay) and then power cleans (hey, wait! I can do it!) to try out the weight.

As the workout went on, Gio gave me instructions on form. I've always struggled with the concept of open hips. What could that possibly mean? My hips are quite large and very solid structures. They do not seem to open and close. I've heard over and over that the key to good powerful lifts (and healthy posture in every day life) is open hips. But how to open them?

In the second round of powercleans, I finally got it. It's hard to explain in writing, but somehow in my jump to get the bar up, I started to feel an ease and, yes, power, that I hadn't felt before. I finally finally finally had it: open hips. Then I knew that I could actually have done more weight with this new found form. Hurray!

The running was a struggle, but I was determined not to walk. (Not that what I was doing was any sort of full-on run!)

So, I finished the workout in 25:56. Every step of the way, I was cheered on by my Poundmates and coach Gio. I have so much gratitude in my heart for these folks for inspiring and motivating me and yes, pushing me hard despite my whining and evil-eye glaring! Thanks, everyone!!!

And cheers to my hips! I found the poem "Homage to my Hips" online. It's from The Body Electric by Patrice Vecchione and written by Lucille Clifton.

As you might have seen earlier -- I made it to Bulldog this morning and set my personal record for a deadlift at 190 lbs (not 195 as earlier reported by a post-workout, very groggy me). It probably wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for my bad math skills. I used to be really good at algebra, but simple addition? no way.

When I first got to Bulldog, I was majorly yucky. I take neurontin for my migraines and took my dose late last night. So I was dizzy and groggy, and well, crampy for other reasons. I slogged through the warm-up and started with 85 lbs for the deadlift. Last week I deadlifted 110 pounds and it was not a nice sight to behold. Today I was excited to finally figure out what my max is. I was guessing about 120. The first try with 85 was not hard at all. So I added 20 lbs and kept increasing by 20, I thought. But at some point my math went awry. I thought I had lifted 155 and was mighty proud when coach Gio checked my math -- it was 185. HHHHHHWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT? Crazy! So I added 5 and managed, with much effort, to stand up with it. Oh yes I did.

Incidentally, please note that the above pictured rodent is not deadlifting like I did today -- seems to be doing some sort of high pull but its form is all wrong -- but it is super cute anyway.

Then, as if that wasn't enough, there was still a workout to be had. I was feeling pretty tired out at that point, but so?

Today's workout (which I did see online before I went and then tried to immediately block it out until I got to Bulldog):

25 push press (overhead) me = 35 lb bar

30m crab walk
(I could not do all of this; I am a very heavy crab with, at that point, very tired arms -- not that everyone wasn't very tired at that point though. I think I did about half the distance.)

30m bear walk (me = about half)

25 push jerks (35 lb bar) I wish this really was just pushing jerks with a 35 lb bar, I'd be great! Thanks so much to coach Greg for standing with me and getting me through these (and helping me get and keep my form).

60m becks burpees (Note: these burpees do not involve drinking beer as Mary suggested; it's a burpee with a giant jump forward at the end. I'm guessing I did 15m if that, but I made it through)

60m lateral hops (hop sideways -- kind of fun, yet, at this point in the workout when I was so exhausted, this really felt ironic and ridiculous -- hopping should be a happy, energetic move, like when you say Yippee! Not sure how far I went, but maybe 15m again? or less.)

last, 25 Over Head Squats (with 35 lb bar) This was the most agonizing. My arms were burning and shaking so hard with holding up the bar. I did 5 at a time with coach Gio getting me through each lift. After these OHSs, I can never roll my eyes at guys who make grunty sounds when they lift. I made really weird sounds involuntarily. They just came out -- high pitched, gasping, grunty, dig-deep-and-finish-this sounds.

And I did finish it. In 27:32. And I was dead, but happy and proud.

In fact, I've been pretty tired all day despite some high protein meals. I still can't believe what I did this morning -- but I can definitely feel it! I'm proud of the progress that I'm making and I'm looking forward to the time when I can crabwalk more easily and get all the way through the 30m!

With the muscle fatigue I'm feeling, I might take tomorrow as a recovery day and go Wednesday a.m. instead -- but I'll see how I feel in the morning.

For those of you who didn't do the WOD (workout of the day), do a few steps as a crab and see how it feels!

I was feeling a little restless after being cooped up with our taxes this afternoon, so I figured I'd enjoy our lovely Chicago weather and get outside. I decided to go back to one of the problem areas this past week at Bulldog -- jumping rope! We actually have a good jump rope with proper handles so I went out into the backyard and started up. I described my "technique" in an earlier post -- basically I was still stuck with the skills of a chubby third-grader: the one heavy, two-footed jump or the tra-la-la-la I'm skipping rope one foot at a time. Not the graceful boxer-in-training swoop-swooping the air and lightly tapping the toes on the ground. But as I kept jumping and trying to focus on what my body was doing and how the motion of the rope should come from my wrists and not my arms -- I started to get it! I got up to 15 jumps at a time (before I could do 3 or 4). I am so happy that I figured this out at last!

So I did 500 jumps total, then 50 sit-ups, then 5 pups, then 20 squats, then did a little bit with carrying around my kettlebell (my own kettlebell!! thanks, hubby!!) overhead and then like a suitcase; I finished with some stretching. Nice! My legs are still pretty wobbly from the jumping -- that means I have to keep on practicing!

Back to The Pound on Monday! Woof!

This picture could be part of an actual crossfit workout! I would totally burn my butt. And speaking of burning butts, I did make it to Bulldog today. First I did have to light a fire under my own butt to get going. I actually had some sort of weird inception moment this morning where I dreamed that I woke up, was super tired and headache-y and posted on this very blog that I did not go to Bulldog today. Whoa. Then the alarm went off and I woke up and was super tired, but not headache-y. I still thought, hmmm, maybe two times is best for this first week back. Then I looked at the Bulldog workout for today.

Today this was my main motivator instead of a fear-inducer. The name of today's workout is "Wet." Hmmm...what's up with that? Then I saw "kettlebell" I was all in. Somehow I must have looked past the word "burpee." But with the image of kettlebells dancing in my head, I was out the door and off to Bulldog. Plus Juanita, one of my Poundmates, loves kettlebells too, so I knew she would be even more psyched than usual for today. When Juanita is psyched, we are all psyched. (Note: Juanita is almost always psyched.)

I did the usual warm-up, but because I was early this morning, I got through almost all of it. Until the last thing: back extensions. I thought these were our fun "I'm flying! on the floor!" exercises but no. It's on a contraption thinger like this.

I was also supposed to be doing my sit-ups on it. But I thought I was too out of shape and overweight to use this thing. One future day, when I am svelte and bendy, I would graduate to this machine.

Wrong. "Get up there woman," says Gio the coach. I was terrified. I had visions of going backwards and feeling my entire muscle system in my abdomen and back tear with cartoon plucking sounds (ploink, ploink, ploink!). Gio patiently tried to get me to lean back, but I was just too scared. I said I wouldn't do it.

This is frustrating! It's a lack of trust in myself and a lack of self knowledge about what my body can do. I will have to confront this contraption again.

But on to the "Wet" workout: 4 repetitions of 10 kettlebell cleans, 10 kettlebell push presses, 10 kettlebell sumo deadlift high pulls, run 200 meters, then 10 burpees. I mostly used a 24 lb kettlebell but switched to 20 lbs for the push presses near the end. When I started this -- somewhere around the start of the burpees in round one -- I thought I would do 2 rounds and then stop. But somehow I found myself in the third round. So then I thought, at the end of this round, I'm done, because I am dragging my ass and not just feeling the burn, but possibly spontaneously combusting, and I have to babysit my nephews today, and and and... At the end of round three I looked pleadingly at Gio and held up three fingers. He said,"Let's go, Tami." Oof. Ironically, this is one of the many reasons why I choose Bulldog. Because Gio knew that I had another round in me and I'd already quit once today with the contraption. So I did all four rounds. Everyone was so awesome with encouraging me and cheering me on -- another reason why I choose this place: It is not just a gym! It's friends and fellow tortured beings who want to see you finish too.

I think my time was 34 minutes and something seconds. I forgot to write it down. I definitely understand the workout's name now because wow was I sweaty.

So triumphantly (except for the tussle with myself and the contraption), I put in three workouts at Bulldog this week. Yay! On to week two on Monday.

Thanks again to everyone for their support and encouragement!!