Could I train for a half-marathon in September? Would that be a good idea? I lost a lot of weight, yikes, 5 years ago?, by training for the Portland marathon. I finished and still look back at that time as the best in my life. But I also have said that losing weight that way was unrealistic. I couldn't have maintained a marathon training schedule over time, plus I did a little too much too quickly and injured myself so that I couldn't continue to work out. That plus boyfriend-then now-hubby and our love of cheese and some family problems thrown in and 5 years later, we have our largest Holly ever. So do I want to replicate that pattern?

Then again, it might give me the boost I need, but with my new-found wisdom, I can avoid the pitfalls. That and weekly acupuncture might keep injuries to a minimum.

Hmmm. I'll think on it for a bit.

Hmmmm,
Holly

Hey, that 4-day win thing works. (Martha Beck) No, I didn't write yesterday, but it felt odd. Still need to get myself my plant for my reward though. Did some major work in the garden tonight (community garden plot)-- clearing weeds, turning the soil, raking --phew! It was really really nice though. It felt good to work hard and get dirty and play with worms. And the breeze was coming off of the lake, nice and cool. Birds were chirping. And I met two women with garden plots. Really beautiful place and it's so much fun to see what other people do with their spots. I'm looking forward to this summer's garden and I'm hoping to stay on top of it better than I did last year! Good exercise too.

More soon,
Holly

Post #4

Yikes! I almost forgot! Earlier today I tried to keep reminding myself, but somehow it slipped my mind. Or got dulled out of my mind after watching TV. But the TV wasn't really dull -- actually inspiring -- a PBS series on crafts in America. Sounds better than it is -- especially the furniture maker who recognized the spirit in the trees he used and tried to honor that spirit in each piece -- and even better, not get in the way of the tree's spirit as it was realized in the furniture. Cool. Hubby is right. I probably do need to have something to express myself (other than this blog).

Okay, I did it! I've earned my new little plantlet. Hurray!

More soon,
Holly

Post #3

Well, I've reminded myself off and on all day about posting today. I've finally got a moment to do it, though the dogs are staring at me with raised brows -- time to go out. And I've got work to do. And I want to plant some more flowers in the evening light. Plus -- I'm hungry!! Real hunger with stomach growls. I think I've done a pretty fair job of watching myself today and I've tried to note when I feel hungry versus when I feel like eating but I'm not hungry. I'm also watching to see what makes me feel satisfied versus what makes me want more to eat. That's a lot of watching.

With only three hours left to my day, I guess I better get these dogs out and get on with it! Hurray, completed third post! Hurray!

Until post 4 then,

Holly

Post #2

Phew. Here it is. I almost didn't do it. Switching to a new desk, deciding between laptop and desktop, planting flowers, feeling overwhelmed and tired. Aw, poor me. I almost said, Who cares, I'll post tomorrow. But I knew I wouldn't. Not that this is a high quality post, but I am keeping my word to myself. Oh right, and to you, ever-caring reader.

Also went grocery shopping today and picked up some healthier meals and snacks, so there will be an option other than getting a pizza delivered when I get hungry.

Okay, to bed now. Thanks, me, for posting.

Holly

Post #1

Here I am--completing Post #1. That could be it. I could go now. But, some news: official weight this a.m.: 230. Toppin the scales, livin large. Last night I felt lonely and pretty much self-sorry. But I watched myself. I watched myself want to order a stuffed pizza for a treat and I thought about that. How good it would feel to eat and eat and feel so full and sleepy. I watched and made pasta instead. Later I saw myself want to go to the store for something fun to drink -- Kahlua or margarita mix. I watched and waited. I distracted myself with a movie, a mini-bag of low-fat popcorn, and well, yes, two beers that I drank out of a wine glass (fun!). But all in all, better than the damage that would have been done. Better is a judgement, you caught that, clever faux reader? Yes. And one true reader knows there was more:

I am with-holding the small shake that I had for dessert.

Yes, I did. Okay. But still, I could have done so much more at the grocery store that is just a few steps away with it's 2 for 1 ice cream sale. So I'm going to keep watching. With kindness, yes. Without judgement, try, yes. You watch too, okay?

Oh, before I forget...the reward for four consecutive days of posting: 1 new sweet little plant for my desk.

Yours,
Holly

Hello my blog-- and accidental readers,

I know, I know -- no customary "I'ma gonna do this!" New Year post this year. But look! An expected return to blog in Spring. New blooms, new pounds-- it's me, your thunderously thighed Holly. (Names have been changed to protect the identity of those fat cells and body parts who have not consented to appear on this program.) Enough with the sarcasm, dear reader? I agree. Thanks for pointing it out. Enough with the addressing of a fake reader? Yes! Onward! Write on, me!

The pledge: I am going to try an experiment. I want to post on this odd little blog for four days. Even just a phrase will count. I know this sounds simple, but it's a tiny start toward a direction I'd like to go in.

The update: I haven't weighed myself in a bit, but I'm guessing I'm about 228. Yowza. My new highest weight. Migraines continue. Now with added back pain, worsening allergies, and an inability to slowly walk more than a mile without knees apoppin' and muscles ahurtin'.

The turn-around: several things have been dawning on me lately, I think now that I have the time (thanks, new job) to do a bit of introspection and retrospection. One realization -- I don't want to keep on like this. I want to feel lightness. I want to feel strong knees. I want to have a healthier quality to the rest of my life. Another realization that came after that one -- so simple, so obvious, but: I'm eating too much for a reason; then-- I am in pain and afraid somewhere inside and rather than look at that, I am eating. It's complicated. I'm not sure what all is wrapped up in the hurt and fear, but it's time now to figure it out. I don't want to say "confront" it. Confront sounds mean. Confront sounds like I'm going to take myself on, and I and me are going to duke it out. I'm going to tell me a thing or two about what me has been doing to I!

No, not confront. I want to sit on the side of my bed while I'm watching Oprah and downing slices of cheddar and ask with gentleness, What is it, me? Why are you scared? And when I ask, my hand warm and loving on my shoulder, it's because I want to learn even more about this soul that I love and I want to comfort it and let me know that it's okay, no matter what, but let's get this out in the open so we can share it and understand. Let's work together, fractured self.

No one has ever asked this, and no one has ever made the attempt; that includes me. So, onward, me! An entry a day.

Yours ( and Mine),
Holly