Be kind to the turtles!

So, awhile back I signed up to do The Biggest Loser race, which happens on Sunday. I was training, really, but then I started to get plantar fasciitis and I got sick and and and. But I'm still doing the race because it's a Biggest Loser race and the pace can be very slow. BUT it's a 15k. I'm kinda nervous. Is it bad to do a race I'm not really prepared for? I like training and then triumphantly doing the race. It kind of ruins that effect to just show up and do the race, probably pretty poorly. Like, fat Bacchus on a turtle poorly. But I still want to do it. I think I would feel worse if I just didn't go at all. Plus I paid for it. But I feel bad doing the race and implying that I trained or that I am somehow doing well with completing the race. It feels like I didn't earn it -- the medal at the end, the t-shirt, the banana. (Okay, maybe I'll earn the banana.) But does this feeling of unearnedness make sense?

I'm sure that I will really push myself to do my best. I will probably even push myself a little bit too hard. But what is that little doubt nugget that keeps poking me to feel like a loser (not in a good way)?

I have been taking my weekly Yoga for Weight Management class with Kim Wade. It is going really well! I'm learning about yoga and what my body can do, but I'm also learning about what I want and being more mindful about what I need. And I'm making new friends to boot! I can feel the change gears starting to slowly move again. I'm still figuring things out, but I'm pretty sure that will go on for a lifetime!

If you have any thoughts on racing without really training or you just want to wish me luck, that would be awesome!

I'm back and happy to report that last week I did indeed do a little bit better! Yay! I started following a fairly gentle walk/run (half marathon) plan designed by Jenny Hadfield and that went fine -- a little sloggy, but that's to be expected. I also was more active in general: I planted my veggies and flowers, mowed the backyard (with our delightful rotary push mower, aka "Pushy") and scraped and painted three sides of the trim on our garage. (Then a storm came up, so I'll have to do the fourth and final side when rain isn't in the forecast. Really. I will.)

I also went to an informational meeting for an upcoming yoga class: Yoga for Weight Management with Kim Wade. If you click on the link, there is a video about the class, just in case you're interested. I think it is going to be exactly what I need in my life right now. I've been wanting to try yoga to build strength and encourage more meditative, mind-body thinking, but this class will also incorporate some strategies for thinking about food and our relationship to it, as well as build a community for support. I can't wait for it to start (July 13th)!

This week I'm going to keep on keepin' on with my walk/run plan and turn also to meditating more often and eating better. I've made some improvements with my eating, but I still keep "treating myself" to stuff that doesn't get along so well with my body. (I'm looking at you, Haagen Dazs Rum Raisin.) I'm still thinking about setting more concrete goals, but right now just trying things out seems to be good. Let's see how meditation and "clean eating" go for this week!

 

Oh friends! It has been so long since I've written in this blog. What did 2012 and half of 2013 bring me? Have you been hanging on the edge of your seat just waiting to hear?

Well, let's just say it was neither the best of times nor the worst of times. It was just some times. Ups and downs and lots of work. Unfortunately, though, I have strayed and have not striven (thank goodness I finally got to use that word! bonus!) to be just a little bit better each week. That was the original purpose of this blog.

Instead, I have been in a sort of survival mode and as a result, a bit of myself has drained away. And I put my fat shield back up. It's not as fatty as it once was, but it is substantial. And yes: badonka donk donk. Last night, in a sorry attempt to show my nephews how to practice for a cartwheel by doing a mini one, my shirt flipped up and revealed my tummy. As I thudded to the floor, the nephews shrieked and laughed and then proceeded to stick their fingers into my fat belleh. (It a fairly pillowy shield, good for poking and providing a cushion for a pug's snoring self.)

Worse than regaining the fat shield and the bejunked trunk, I've lost my muscles and my stamina. I puff up stairs and slog across campus. I am weary and weak. I know that, while I am actually very healthy, I am heading down a path that will lead me into a lumpy, blobby old age of knee replacements and warshing sticks and phrases like "fetch me another piece of that cake" and "does this muumuu make me look fat?" That is not where I want to go, although...cake does sound pretty good right now...but no, this is not what I want.

So it's time for a new journey and new goals. I have my bag packed and I am ready to climb into my big grey flying critter and start this new adventure. (Image by Laura Berger; her stuff is awesome!) I am working on my goals. I definitely need activity, although I am not sure what form this activity will take. I miss Bulldog a lot, but I am not sure I can take it on at this point -- and I always struggle with my schedule and the workout intensity when my teaching starts up again. But the kettlebell and my former muscles are definitely calling me back!

In 2001-2003, I went through a wogging phase and did the Portland Marathon and other fun races and I loved it. I did train on my own for the marathon, but, in general, running also was hard to maintain. I admit to poking around some race sites last night and getting a new pair of shoes, but I'm always tempted to take on too much too fast -- and I am 11 years older now (whut?), so I'm not sure about doing races as a goal. Plus, what happens in the winter?

So, I am still figuring all of this out. What else will go into this plan? Meditation, healthy Whole9 living, and an eye toward small, maintainable improvements for the long term. Every week, just a little bit better. Time to start climbing!

Hello friends! I made it back for my 2011 wrap up and 2012 goal-setting session. Yeah, I'm a little late, but I've been so busy lately! I didn't even have time for Facebook. Wah.

So, if you'll remember back, back, back to January 2011, I made a few resolutions. How did I do? Well, here's the honest update.

1. One pull up.
Success? No. I haven't given up, but I realize to be able to do this, I will need train specifically for this feat. At the moment, that's not exactly possible. More on that below. It's okay though, I don't feel sad about it.

2. Five real push ups -- no knees, no sagging beached-whalular midsection.
Success? No. But I can kind of do 1, so that's something. I definitely need to work on my core. What's new?

3. Run 1 mile.
Success? No. But let's not get so negative here. I am actually training for this now. So this is a definite and reachable goal for mid 2012! Yay! Positivity!

4. Lose 20 lbs.
Success? OH HELL YES! In fact, in 2011 I lost 36 pounds and I think, judging from my almost too big belt and the sag in my jeans, that I have gone from a badonkadonk donk to a badonkadonk -- possibly soon I'll just have a badonka!

5. Develop a daily meditation practice.
Success? Getting there. I meditate much more frequently that I did at the start of 2011 and I am still working on making this a habit.

Conclusions about 2011: A lot happened that I didn't expect: some not so good, yet good in the end: surgery; some all good: finding the Whole30 and finally finding out how I can prevent my migraines, sleep through the night, have energy, and be healthy. This was a life-changer and will lead to a better life for me. That's more important than doing a pull up. Score!

What's on deck for 2012?
1. I am doing the Fight For Air Stair Climb at Oakbrook Tower on February 12th. Cover your ears: AND I'M GOING UP TWICE!!! You can support me and the American Lung Association by clicking on Support Tami here.

2. I am walk-running the Race That's Good For Life 5k on April 1. I love this race and I super-love getting a flower at the end. I think someone should hand me a flower at the end of every day whether I'm sweaty and panting or not. This puts me closer to my goal of running a mile, and I'm looking forward to more races in 2012. Ten years ago I walked-ran the Portland, Oregon marathon. I would love to repeat that experience with that or another marathon.

3. Continue on my Whole9 journey.

4. Step up my efforts to gain strength and stamina.
It wrings my heart to say this, but at the moment I am taking a break from Bulldog due to some personal financial issues (not that Bulldog is expensive or not worth the money, but when the student-loan rep offered to pray for me, something had to go). Without the physical training at Bulldog, but with the warm support of my Bulldog family, I will be training at home on a treadmill, on our stairs, with a jump rope, with kettlebells, with my own weight (hello planks and push ups), with videos, and Professor Plum with the candlestick in the library. (Get it?)

5. Keep on developing my mindfulness practice every day through meditating, stress control, and by increasing my involvement with the Zen Life and Meditation Center in Oak Park.

Who knows what will happen this year? Not me. But it's always good to have some goals, especially the kind that help you handle those unexpected times. As always, I am so so so grateful for your support and guidance. I can't believe how much my life has changed in the past 6 months! I was able to go forward and get through so much with your help. Keep the comments coming!

So I googled around and found that Henny Youngman was the comedian who did the shtick that went: "Today I went in to the doctor. I told him it hurts when I do this (bends hand down) and he told me 'Don't do that.'" Classic. Over the last month or so, I've done the food equivalent of this repeatedly -- sans doctor.

I was bound to experiment eventually. It hasn't been hard giving up grains, sugar, dairy, alcohol, processed foods, and corn (did I miss anything?), especially since not having a migraine every day is more than enough positive feedback from my bod. But I was curious to see what would happen with introducing some of the foods not allowed on Whole30. I haven't been on a strict Whole30 lately -- just generally avoiding food that might give me a headache. I started with dairy, food of my people (aka my Wisconsin ancestors). Cow dairy makes for much unhappiness in my intestines. Sheep and goat dairy in moderate quantities is okay. I feel fine having these as possibilities every now and again.

Then I got sick with some horrible virus from hell. I was miserable and craving my comforting Ritz crackers and ginger ale. So I let a little juice back into my life --mixed with club soda. I think it was the reintroduction of the sugar in the juice that started giving my brain ideas. I kind of imagine my brain with an evil planning look on its face (its brain face? hmmm) and my stomach and intestines nervously trembling, "uh, we don't think this is a good idea..."

So I worked a few Hersheys bars into my comfort plan. That led to only a little DIScomfort, but they sure were tasty! Then I tried tacos with corn tortillas and also refried beans. I was surprised that this all went down smoothly. I felt really full and a little groggy afterward, but all is well (enough) even with the magical fruit. I don't see the tacos or even the beans as a problem. But it was letting the sugar back in that opened the door to craving sugary foods with gluten. The brain throws back its... uh... head? and laughs like Vincent Price at the end of Thriller.

Opportunity presented itself in the form of leftover cookies and rush-hour traffic. I'd put the cookies way in the back seat so they wouldn't be as tempting. But I've got long arms and I'm really flexible, so after sitting still in traffic for way too long, I snaked and sneaked and slipped my hand into the bag with the chocolate cookies. Yum! Oh yum! So good! Before I could register any repercussions, I'd downed a couple of coconut butter cookies and super spicy ginger snaps, too. Then I felt guilty. After the guilt came the headache. Different from a migraine -- it was dull, but throbbing, and mostly in the middle of my head. Not too bad, all in all, but definite proof that something in those cookies was not so good for me. So why not have a few more. Yep. The return of my old patterns that I thought were gone for good.

By the next day, the cookies were gone (into mah belleh) and I finally got that raging migraine I had been seemingly looking (and eating) for. Most rational folks would stop there. I did go back to Whole30 eating for a few days and felt much better. So much better that I suffered a bout of selective amnesia when some leftover Munchkins called out from the back seat during another terrible rush hour jam. I downed all 6 in rapid fire succession. This time the headache came swiftly and strongly. Almost like someone punched me in the head. I guess I punched me in the head. By the time I got home, I was experiencing one of my most hated migraines of old: the kind where I stumble in and mumble something like "head ow bed" to my husband, take two tylenol 3s and one relpax and lay in bed or on the couch focusing on my breathing and not puking, just waiting for the first lessening of the pain, the first hope that it will go away. This generally ruins at least one evening and sometimes might seep into the next day. I usually feel depressed, vaguely hung over, and definitely defeated. Why defeated? Because after more than a decade of migraines that grew to be a daily occurrence, I would feel sort of victimized by them. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason and there was no cure.

But this time it was different. I knew exactly what had caused this migraine. And I finally knew exactly what to do to not have this happen again: Don't do that! Don't eat the stuff that causes a headache. Aha!

Since then, I've tried pizza, bread, martinis, and a few other things. Sometimes I get a headache and sometimes I don't. I've tried mostly small quantities, so it could be that having more of these foods more frequently would make me feel worse. But I've learned that I should be more mindful of how sugar and higher carbs seem to lead to cravings for more more more. It's in sticking with protein, healthy fat, and plenty of veggies that I feel at my best and don't actually have these sorts of cravings.

I'll be starting a new Whole30 on January 1st to take down my sugar demons and get back to feeling good. I think this second Whole30 will be interesting and possibly harder because now I know that some non-Whole30 foods don't make me sick, so the temptation to have them will be greater (do you hear my chuckling brain?). But I also know how great I feel when I am following the Whole30 and focusing mindfully on the Whole9, so I will hold on to that as I work through the next month. I'm focusing not just on what I'm eating, but also on getting enough good sleep, keeping my stress levels in check, and moving more (more on this in my upcoming New Year's post). If anyone wants to join me in this next Whole30, there will be a lot of support on Facebook and on the Whole9 website and I would love the company!

Remember my last post? I said I would focus my efforts on getting to Bulldog this week. Meaning this week that is ending tonight (or tomorrow, depending on your concept of the week). I did not make it to Bulldog. At. All. I thought about it every day. I'm a planner. I planplanplan every possibility. If I go at this time, then...; well, but at this time, then...; well, I'll just go at this time and.... I drive myself bonkers. Do people under 40 say bonkers? Anyway, being a planner is maddening. And for Bulldog this week, each scenario led to the same response: I can't.

Sometimes when my brain thinks "I can't," I let it think that, but keep my body heading into workout clothes, into the car, to Bulldog, to the rower -- the whole time thinking "I can't; I don't have to; I can turn around at anytime..." And this actually usually works. It sounds negative, but it really isn't. I have to acknowledge that I feel like crap when I get up at 4:45 a.m. and go out into the icy darkness to push myself to extreme physical exertion. I acknowledge that I feel like crap AND I keep on going in the direction of Bulldog. My brain is whirring with excuses, and some inner wise being continues to carry me forward. (Note: I am not possessed nor do I have multiple personalities -- as far as I know.)

I figured out this same strategy for public speaking. Once upon a time, I was unable to speak in front of a group of people. One time in 7th grade I had to present something and started laughing hysterically in front of the class. Then I turned, ran out of the class and all the way home. Poor young me! In my college days, I would have panic attacks and actually hyperventilate while trying to present something. It was awful. So as soon as I would start getting butterflies, I would shut down and be unable to continue with even preparing for a presentation. When I got to grad school, success depended on being able to present my research and on being able to teach! After some horrible, horrible experiences, I finally learned to visualize my presentation ahead of time -- including visualizing my nervousness, and more importantly, what would happen after I felt nervous. I would visualize feeling nervous and then settling down into my talk. Understanding that it was okay to feel heart-stopping nervousness was key to getting past that feeling and finally getting to experience a better sense of calm during a talk. This led to surviving a presentation and finally to successfully giving a presentation. There were other tricks that I learned along the way -- feel free to contact me if you are afraid of public speaking and want to know what I've figured out. Now, every day I teach either a group of people or have one-on-one sessions. I still get nervous sometimes, but that's okay. I always get past it. I always keep going.

That was a long aside, but kind of cool, right? Well, my point is that it's okay to feel like crap before Bulldog and to say, yeah, I feel like crap and I'm going. But this week (and the past few weeks) has been different: I had to acknowledge that the toll that going to Bulldog would take for the rest of the day was too great. Some Bulldogs are now saying, Bullshit! Part of me says bullshit, too. Here is what I realized: I am strong and I am a hearty girl who wants to learn to wield kettlebells, do push ups, do a pull up (c'mon, just one, that's all I want, one!), to be a bad ass. I need to go to Bulldog to get stronger and to learn proper technique. Yet when I go to Bulldog, almost always it wears me out. Not just for an hour -- for the whole day and sometimes into the next day. I don't know if other Bulldogs experience this or not. Oftentimes, right after the workout, I am stoked. (dude!) But about 3 hours after...oof! This past quarter, I have been putting in long, long days with teaching Georgian, tutoring ESL, babysitting my nephews, and making sure that I have good food choices. (Note: these are all good, wonderful things!) But! If I feel oofed -- or if I get a tension headache that leads to a migraine -- I am sunk! I can't afford to have pain or low energy early in the day.

Here is the conundrum: I want to be strong. I want to go to Bulldog. But to successfully go to Bulldog and get through my long days, I have to develop better stamina and more strength, and aid my post-workout recovery somehow. To develop strength and stamina, I have to go to Bulldog. D'oh.

Happily, last night as my brain was planning,planning,planning while I was standing in the backyard waiting for my poochers to do their businesses, I stopped and took a deep breath. After I took a few more breaths, I had an epiphany. My Autumn Quarter is almost over. Many of my tutoring students will be leaving for the break. I will have December to devote myself to Bulldog workouts and developing stamina and recovery methods. I can even start this coming week, since my schedule is lighter due to Thanksgiving. By the end of December, I should have a schedule in place and the ability to make it through a workout and get on with my day. Of course, the true test will come on January 3rd when the Winter Quarter starts. But I feel satisfied and hopeful with this new plan. Thanks, Berwyn night air and slow businessing dogs!

Awesome image from Orange You Lucky!

Hey! Guess what! No, not chicken butt. I've lost 31 pounds! Thirty of those pounds came off between today and August 1st of this year. One of those pounds came off in the two months before August. Guess what else! I still have 16 Relpax tablets (migraine abortive) left from my September prescription of 32 tablets. I used to barely make it to the end of the month with my prescription. Guess what else! (last one for now) I'm not taking any antihistamines. I used to take a 24-hour zyrtec every night -- for the past 10 years or so (and before that, it was a different antihistamine). It is Whole30 magic!

That's not to say that I don't have some sneezing every now and then. And I do still get a headache that turns into a not-so-nice migraine sometimes. But I don't think I have the words to describe how dramatically life changing these past three and a half months have been. Recently, I've been adding in some non-Whole30 foods to see what would happen. I'm shocked to find that cow dairy causes problems for me. My family is from Wisconsin, how could this be? But sheep or goat dairy seems to be fine. Bacon with no preservatives and almost no sugar is okay. I don't have the desire to try grains, so I'm not going to. Also, I've found that if I let more than a little sugar into my day (in the form of Larabar-abuse [one day I ate three; why do they have to be so good?] or juice or erm, Halloween candy), it causes a landslide of sugar cravings and more headaches. At 44, I'm learning new things about myself and my body.

Each week, regardless of Halloween candy or not making it to Bulldog, I continue to lose 1-3 pounds. I take this as a signal from my body that it is happily returning to its non-inflamed state. I don't continue eating this way because I think we should eat like our ancestors or even because I am still losing weight. I eat this way because I feel good when I do. It's not a "diet" in the sense that when I get to whatever my "normal" weight is, I'll start eating pasta again. I'm not really "sticking" to anything with willpower or by counting points or calories. This is just how I eat. Does that make sense to those of you who aren't eating the same way as I am? I make sure to have plenty of non-processed foods to choose from -- and yes, I do have to cook and plan a little. But other than that, it's simple. I eat when I'm hungry and I stop when I'm satisfied. I try to have healthy fats with my meals. I have no desire to eat until I'm stuffed like I used to. No more rolling on the couch trying to release my pants! I eat what I want and if I get hungry again, I eat again. This is simple, but it is such a difference from how I used to be.

I'm still struggling to figure out my schedule with Bulldog and I missed this past week due to my work and tutoring schedules. But I know that I need to get there at least twice a week. The weight is coming off, but if I don't build muscle, I'll be flabby... and droopy! (Get it? Droopy?) This week I'm going to put my effort into getting to Bulldog. That does take willpower!