What is it that leads me, in one moment, shaking my head at the shocking size of my pants and dismay at my ability to make a clapping sound with my thighs, to the next moment of finding myself ordering a quarter pounder dinner? I know what corn syrup in coke and that fat in the fries and burger, not too mention the chemicals that give each bite that uniform flavor experience, will do to my body. I don't just mean increasing the size of my already generously proportioned fat cells. I mean the inflammation. The damage. And the perpetuation of a cycle. Yet there I was.

How does this disconnect happen? I shook my head at the woman in front of me, obviously getting a very large takeout order including sundaes. But it's really only a matter of degrees.

This morning I walked into my husband's little office room and looked longingly at the last donut in the box. He now keeps them in his office to keep them out of my sight range. But I know they are there. In fact, I bought this box to replace the prior box that I ate. From his office. I ate most of this box too. Yet that last donut is bewitched. Taking the last one seems like a violation. Or a confession of guilt. Husband, I would eat your last donut. When you go looking, expecting a donut, wanting a donut, you will find none and your disappointment will be my fault. Somehow, if I leave that last donut, it makes the fact that I ate the other donuts less bad. Yes, I ate 11 donuts, but at least you can have one! Right?

But today, I ate it. Somehow I thought maybe I would be taking responsibility for my past actions if I ate the last one and confessed to him. It was stale. He wouldn't have liked it anyway. I dipped it in my coffee and before I knew it, it was gone. He took my confession well enough. Shrug of the shoulders. He'd already given up on it, I think.

He's mentioned a donut safe. I encourage him to consider it. I don't really want to eat those donuts. But I'm restless. And sometimes I think I take them as payment -- or acknowledgement of my deeds and of my goodness. I'll take your donuts in lieu of your appreciation of my sacrifice.

This has been a pattern before my husband entered the picture with his donuts, chips, pizza, peanut butter, and ice cream. I cleaned out the cupboards of the family I nannied for. They mentioned it a few times - do you think you could leave us a little peanut butter for the weekend? And babysitting was a binge-a-thon. So was my friend Dennis's apartment. We used to joke that I was his Kramer (minus the newly discovered racism of Michael Richards). I've been known to dispose of more than half of a freshly baked pie. Once I disposed of the final half of a severely aged pie and only noted the slightly chewy peaches and a tinge of nausea upon completion.

Yet when I lost the weight before, it wasn't like that. I would have a taste of the thing-- or nothing at all -- with no desire to binge; no desire to have it; no desire to fill the restless void lacking payment. Why? Was I less self sacrifing? Was I more confident and less in need of acknowledgement? I just don't know. But I'm aware of it now, the return of this behavior and the loss of it once; and I am working on thinking it through. Am I really eating their appreciation or is it something else?

My thighs applaud my thoughtful entry tonight. Clap, clap! (shhhh!)

Yours,
Holly

Hello Viewers. That was a long, sad break, wasn't it? "What happened, Holly?" you ask. Well, dear viewer, a lot of not losing weight. It's not a new tale, though my tail is a bit larger than my last entries from almost a year ago. Stress, two weddings (same dude), work overload ... c'est la vie. But I'm back for another go.

I experimented with Dr. Weil's Optimum Health Plan , but found it technically annoying -- lots of problems. Even though it was cheap, it wasn't worth the struggle, though there are some interesting folks there. And I tried working with a nutritionist just after I stopped posting here. I kept gaining weight though and realized something was just not working in our relationship.

It really just comes down to me, doesn't it? So that's what I'm working on. Reading through You On a Diet! and Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat Zinn. I'm hoping by working on me directly, that this will yield success -- being healthier, having fewer headaches, and yes, weighing less -- hauling less me around to help my joints and my psyche.

Stay with me, viewer and send me a note if you see me stop.

Yours,
Holly

Pretty good week, though I learned some things. I need to readjust the run/walk component of the workouts to be more walking and less running. My knees hurt quite a bit after Monday's workout. Tuesday it was not hard to walk 5 minutes! Wednesday I made it to the gym before work --at 7:00 a.m. It was not easy to get up that early, but I was happy that I did it. I did the eliptical machine for 25 minutes though to save my knees. Thursday I walked for 10 minutes. Today, however, I have a cold and might hold off until tomorrow to work out for 20 minutes.

Also today I went to a health/fitness class at 3 Pillars (www.3pillars.org) here in Hyde Park, Chicago. Although I have been in WeightWatchers and have been on numerous healthy diets, I found that I did get some good information and, mostly importantly, motivation! We discussed our plans to work on and will meet again in two weeks. My plans are to eat at least: 2 servings of fruit, 3 servings of vegetables, 2 servings of protein, 5 servings of starchy foods, 2 servings of dairy, and one treat every day. Also, stay hydrated. I also will try to exercise for half an hour every day (walking to work would be good). And I'll keep a food diary. I'd also like to try to be more aware of when I am hungry and when I am full and when I am eating when I am not hungry (and why)!

Should be an interesting two weeks!

More soon!

January 16, 2006

First day: check.

I actually did more than the first day required for the new plan. But I didn't go all out bananas like I usually do. I warmed up for 5 minutes, walked at 3.5 for 5 minutes, then did the 10 minutes of alternating walking and running, then I walked at 3.6 for 5 minutes and then cooled down. I went 1.71 miles - modest. It felt good to work up a sweat, and so far no headache. More on the migraines another day.

On to tomorrow, back at work and I'm only asked to walk 5 minutes. Will do.

Until then,
HM

Back.

And with a plan.

Or at least the beginning of one...
to make exercise a habit...slowly...by starting with Gale Bernhardt's 5K training plan at http://www.active.com/story.cfm?story_id=12673&category=activewomen.

I'll start tomorrow: 1/16/06.

It's a start!

More soon, honest!