Well, this morning I went to the Barbells for Boobs/Amazing Grace fundraising event for Mammograms in Action, and that has inspired a new blog entry. Actually, this entry has been brewing for some time. I haven't worked out at Bulldog since October 3rd! But the whole time, I have been thinkingthinkingthinking about it. When should I go? If I go then, will I get enough sleep? If I go another time, will I have enough time to finish my work? What if there's traffic? What if? What if? What if? Well, what if I should quit going to Bulldog and just work out at home? Whoa.

Somehow it has seemed that the idea that I should be going to Bulldog, but can't find time to go, has blocked my ability to workout at home. But why keep paying for Bulldog if I'm not even going? My hubby and I are barely squeaking by financially, and sometimes we don't even squeak. Bulldog has been a justifiable expense up until now because of my success with it when I go and because of its importance in my life. But maybe I should quit now -- maybe just temporarily until my crazy schedule is better under control? I had almost made up my mind, but decided to approach today's workout with curiosity -- as a a sort of gauge. How do I feel? What did I like about it so much before? Do I feel it again or could I leave it for awhile and get by on my own? I have a kettlebell, a jump rope, a torture wheel -- even a bar and some weights, somewhere in the basement...

So I went. I felt super nervous after having been away for so long and now doing a workout with an audience -- and in the front row, no less! I felt needy. Needy for reassurance from Gio the coach and from my friends there. But I also felt guilty for feeling needy. So much going on in one little peabrain. My weight for the workout was pretty light at 35 lbs -- and I think I could have gone a little heavier (in retrospect) -- but it was hard for me. Hard to keep form, to keep pace, to keep going! I could have been using a PVC pipe and it still would have been a challenge. My counter was a great guy who kept me going. I finished in 4:54, which was great.

I stayed for one more round and then had to go. As I watched the next round, I looked around at all of the folks in the box (that's what Crossfitters call the gym). Everyone was cheering for everyone -- from the guy grunting to lift a whole stack of weights to me (who was only lifting a bar). I watched coaches and friends give instruction and encouragement. There was a feeling of excitement, competition, goodwill, and friendship. And I walked to my car remembering that I have goals. I want to lift heavier weights. I want to do a pull up some day. I want to strengthen my slimmer body. I want to keep learning what I can do. Not only that, but I like to watch other people learn what they can do and watch those who already know do awesome and crazy stuff at the box. It might be timesaving, peaceful, and cozy doing kettlebell swings in my living room, and yes, it is free; but I want to share my struggles and triumphs with others who are going through the same thing. And I want to learn how to do this stuff the right way. The cost is justified -- if I go.

As I drove home, I noticed something else: a calm, clean energy feeling that comes from working out. I haven't felt that since October 3rd. Sure, I've done some physically strenuous things since then, but it's not the same. Over the past few weeks I've felt pinned down by stress and my energy just scrambles nervously around my body until I feel drained. Working out at Bulldog channels my energy and helps me feel better.

By the time I got home, I knew what to do. Enough of this worried noodling and planningplanningplanning every day. Enough should I's. It's time to just decide and make a commitment to that decision. I used to have determination when I went to Bulldog. I'd grit my teeth and just go and get it done. I'm not sure where that went, but I'm bringing it back. I'm bringing back the badass. Watch out, I'm back.