Remember my last post? I said I would focus my efforts on getting to Bulldog this week. Meaning this week that is ending tonight (or tomorrow, depending on your concept of the week). I did not make it to Bulldog. At. All. I thought about it every day. I'm a planner. I planplanplan every possibility. If I go at this time, then...; well, but at this time, then...; well, I'll just go at this time and.... I drive myself bonkers. Do people under 40 say bonkers? Anyway, being a planner is maddening. And for Bulldog this week, each scenario led to the same response: I can't.

Sometimes when my brain thinks "I can't," I let it think that, but keep my body heading into workout clothes, into the car, to Bulldog, to the rower -- the whole time thinking "I can't; I don't have to; I can turn around at anytime..." And this actually usually works. It sounds negative, but it really isn't. I have to acknowledge that I feel like crap when I get up at 4:45 a.m. and go out into the icy darkness to push myself to extreme physical exertion. I acknowledge that I feel like crap AND I keep on going in the direction of Bulldog. My brain is whirring with excuses, and some inner wise being continues to carry me forward. (Note: I am not possessed nor do I have multiple personalities -- as far as I know.)

I figured out this same strategy for public speaking. Once upon a time, I was unable to speak in front of a group of people. One time in 7th grade I had to present something and started laughing hysterically in front of the class. Then I turned, ran out of the class and all the way home. Poor young me! In my college days, I would have panic attacks and actually hyperventilate while trying to present something. It was awful. So as soon as I would start getting butterflies, I would shut down and be unable to continue with even preparing for a presentation. When I got to grad school, success depended on being able to present my research and on being able to teach! After some horrible, horrible experiences, I finally learned to visualize my presentation ahead of time -- including visualizing my nervousness, and more importantly, what would happen after I felt nervous. I would visualize feeling nervous and then settling down into my talk. Understanding that it was okay to feel heart-stopping nervousness was key to getting past that feeling and finally getting to experience a better sense of calm during a talk. This led to surviving a presentation and finally to successfully giving a presentation. There were other tricks that I learned along the way -- feel free to contact me if you are afraid of public speaking and want to know what I've figured out. Now, every day I teach either a group of people or have one-on-one sessions. I still get nervous sometimes, but that's okay. I always get past it. I always keep going.

That was a long aside, but kind of cool, right? Well, my point is that it's okay to feel like crap before Bulldog and to say, yeah, I feel like crap and I'm going. But this week (and the past few weeks) has been different: I had to acknowledge that the toll that going to Bulldog would take for the rest of the day was too great. Some Bulldogs are now saying, Bullshit! Part of me says bullshit, too. Here is what I realized: I am strong and I am a hearty girl who wants to learn to wield kettlebells, do push ups, do a pull up (c'mon, just one, that's all I want, one!), to be a bad ass. I need to go to Bulldog to get stronger and to learn proper technique. Yet when I go to Bulldog, almost always it wears me out. Not just for an hour -- for the whole day and sometimes into the next day. I don't know if other Bulldogs experience this or not. Oftentimes, right after the workout, I am stoked. (dude!) But about 3 hours after...oof! This past quarter, I have been putting in long, long days with teaching Georgian, tutoring ESL, babysitting my nephews, and making sure that I have good food choices. (Note: these are all good, wonderful things!) But! If I feel oofed -- or if I get a tension headache that leads to a migraine -- I am sunk! I can't afford to have pain or low energy early in the day.

Here is the conundrum: I want to be strong. I want to go to Bulldog. But to successfully go to Bulldog and get through my long days, I have to develop better stamina and more strength, and aid my post-workout recovery somehow. To develop strength and stamina, I have to go to Bulldog. D'oh.

Happily, last night as my brain was planning,planning,planning while I was standing in the backyard waiting for my poochers to do their businesses, I stopped and took a deep breath. After I took a few more breaths, I had an epiphany. My Autumn Quarter is almost over. Many of my tutoring students will be leaving for the break. I will have December to devote myself to Bulldog workouts and developing stamina and recovery methods. I can even start this coming week, since my schedule is lighter due to Thanksgiving. By the end of December, I should have a schedule in place and the ability to make it through a workout and get on with my day. Of course, the true test will come on January 3rd when the Winter Quarter starts. But I feel satisfied and hopeful with this new plan. Thanks, Berwyn night air and slow businessing dogs!

Awesome image from Orange You Lucky!

Hey! Guess what! No, not chicken butt. I've lost 31 pounds! Thirty of those pounds came off between today and August 1st of this year. One of those pounds came off in the two months before August. Guess what else! I still have 16 Relpax tablets (migraine abortive) left from my September prescription of 32 tablets. I used to barely make it to the end of the month with my prescription. Guess what else! (last one for now) I'm not taking any antihistamines. I used to take a 24-hour zyrtec every night -- for the past 10 years or so (and before that, it was a different antihistamine). It is Whole30 magic!

That's not to say that I don't have some sneezing every now and then. And I do still get a headache that turns into a not-so-nice migraine sometimes. But I don't think I have the words to describe how dramatically life changing these past three and a half months have been. Recently, I've been adding in some non-Whole30 foods to see what would happen. I'm shocked to find that cow dairy causes problems for me. My family is from Wisconsin, how could this be? But sheep or goat dairy seems to be fine. Bacon with no preservatives and almost no sugar is okay. I don't have the desire to try grains, so I'm not going to. Also, I've found that if I let more than a little sugar into my day (in the form of Larabar-abuse [one day I ate three; why do they have to be so good?] or juice or erm, Halloween candy), it causes a landslide of sugar cravings and more headaches. At 44, I'm learning new things about myself and my body.

Each week, regardless of Halloween candy or not making it to Bulldog, I continue to lose 1-3 pounds. I take this as a signal from my body that it is happily returning to its non-inflamed state. I don't continue eating this way because I think we should eat like our ancestors or even because I am still losing weight. I eat this way because I feel good when I do. It's not a "diet" in the sense that when I get to whatever my "normal" weight is, I'll start eating pasta again. I'm not really "sticking" to anything with willpower or by counting points or calories. This is just how I eat. Does that make sense to those of you who aren't eating the same way as I am? I make sure to have plenty of non-processed foods to choose from -- and yes, I do have to cook and plan a little. But other than that, it's simple. I eat when I'm hungry and I stop when I'm satisfied. I try to have healthy fats with my meals. I have no desire to eat until I'm stuffed like I used to. No more rolling on the couch trying to release my pants! I eat what I want and if I get hungry again, I eat again. This is simple, but it is such a difference from how I used to be.

I'm still struggling to figure out my schedule with Bulldog and I missed this past week due to my work and tutoring schedules. But I know that I need to get there at least twice a week. The weight is coming off, but if I don't build muscle, I'll be flabby... and droopy! (Get it? Droopy?) This week I'm going to put my effort into getting to Bulldog. That does take willpower!