Hello my blog-- and accidental readers,

I know, I know -- no customary "I'ma gonna do this!" New Year post this year. But look! An expected return to blog in Spring. New blooms, new pounds-- it's me, your thunderously thighed Holly. (Names have been changed to protect the identity of those fat cells and body parts who have not consented to appear on this program.) Enough with the sarcasm, dear reader? I agree. Thanks for pointing it out. Enough with the addressing of a fake reader? Yes! Onward! Write on, me!

The pledge: I am going to try an experiment. I want to post on this odd little blog for four days. Even just a phrase will count. I know this sounds simple, but it's a tiny start toward a direction I'd like to go in.

The update: I haven't weighed myself in a bit, but I'm guessing I'm about 228. Yowza. My new highest weight. Migraines continue. Now with added back pain, worsening allergies, and an inability to slowly walk more than a mile without knees apoppin' and muscles ahurtin'.

The turn-around: several things have been dawning on me lately, I think now that I have the time (thanks, new job) to do a bit of introspection and retrospection. One realization -- I don't want to keep on like this. I want to feel lightness. I want to feel strong knees. I want to have a healthier quality to the rest of my life. Another realization that came after that one -- so simple, so obvious, but: I'm eating too much for a reason; then-- I am in pain and afraid somewhere inside and rather than look at that, I am eating. It's complicated. I'm not sure what all is wrapped up in the hurt and fear, but it's time now to figure it out. I don't want to say "confront" it. Confront sounds mean. Confront sounds like I'm going to take myself on, and I and me are going to duke it out. I'm going to tell me a thing or two about what me has been doing to I!

No, not confront. I want to sit on the side of my bed while I'm watching Oprah and downing slices of cheddar and ask with gentleness, What is it, me? Why are you scared? And when I ask, my hand warm and loving on my shoulder, it's because I want to learn even more about this soul that I love and I want to comfort it and let me know that it's okay, no matter what, but let's get this out in the open so we can share it and understand. Let's work together, fractured self.

No one has ever asked this, and no one has ever made the attempt; that includes me. So, onward, me! An entry a day.

Yours ( and Mine),
Holly