May I offer you a little rant with my history? Although I haven't found a Whole30 bacon (yet!), this image (from the Cafe Press) is perfect for this post. But first, a brief history of me and my fat. I have felt overweight since the 4th grade (following a summer with my grandparents that I think of as the Summer of Peanut Buster Parfaits; when I came home my mom looked at me and said, "you're fat!"). In retrospect, I was just pudgy. My dad was a Type 1 diabetic, so I think my parents were watching me like a hawk for symptoms. Anyway, looking back at pictures, I really wasn't too bad, but I went on a doctor-suggested low cal diet in the 5th grade. I tried it off and on to no avail. The summer before high school, my nervousness and a new found motivator named Richard Simmons (I know, I know), led me to a pretty remarkable weight loss. But as I got used to high school, the weight crept back. A similar loss occurred before my second year in college, and so on over the years until I stopped trying and just got bigger. Until 2001-2002.

At my biggest at that time (237), I was horrified when I saw a picture of me: a cliche moment where I had felt svelte and the camera caught every dimple of fat trying to press its way out of my too tight skirt. Oof. So I joined Weight Watchers and started walking on a treadmill. It worked. Sort of. I dropped 68 pounds and was almost at my goal weight after wogging the Portland marathon. Then I met my now hubby, found a new love for brie and red wine at 2 a.m., ate my way through my mom's cancer treatments and death, and continued to eat my way through other crises and also celebrations, happy, sad, and boring times; I just ate. There were bouts of fitness and healthy eating, returns to WW, but no lasting success.

Looking back at my "success" with WW, I acknowledge that it was flawed. I was walking and exercising so much that I got almost double the points per day. I was a grad student finishing my dissertation and had all the time in the world for exercise and math. I lived alone (pre-hubster) and controlled my food strictly. I ate so many WW meals that I still get nauseous at the sight of them at the grocery store. This was not a maintainable lifestyle.

As I was attending WW meetings, I kept hearing members and leaders say, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." Every time I heard that I would think "WTF are these people eating?" (Maybe they forgot what real food tastes like?) Even at my lowest weight, I was pretty sure that chocolate or a cold beer could kick thin's ass. In looking for blog images, I saw that this quote was attributed to Kate Moss (except she used the word "skinny" rather than "thin"). If that's true...I don't even know what to say -- I just want to pound on something or weep.

I know that I am bashing WW a bit here. Their program seems to work for some people; and for folks who would never consider a program like Whole30, it is an accessible way to be healthier. But ugh! their chemical-laden "foods" are so bad! They do encourage members to eat veggies, etc., but the temptation of their WW processed food often wins out in members' attempts to get the most food possible in their points scheme. This plan never clicked with me. Even with double the points, I was tortured by the possibility and acceptability of cheating because "we can eat anything, just not everything." At meetings I would stare at the boxes of WW sweets -- supposedly okay substitute cheats. Sometimes I would eat an entire box of some bars or cookies in one sitting and actually think, well at least it wasn't a REAL box of cookies. I would log the points and possibly reduce my next meal or three to accommodate my binge. Of course that would make me hungry and guess what happened then? Uh huh. Chomp. We learned about "eating to fill a psychological hole." And I tried to figure out what else would fill this hole. Nothing ever seemed to work to fight off these cravings. We were told not to let a slip bring us down and that somehow made giving into the cravings even easier. Also, I would not eat before weigh-ins (no one ever does! a room full of starving fat folks staring at boxes of foodlike chemicals, hmmmm) and then I would feel a light-headed but competitive drive to win as we reported our losses to our leader for star stickers and trinkets.

My attempts at WW remind me of a sad time in high school where I joined a Christian student group that would occasionally join up with other groups and attend "born-again" events. There would be "come to Jesus" moments at the end of the event where we were encouraged to come up and let Jesus into our hearts and be saved. I did this over and over again, event after event, just waiting for the feeling in my heart, waiting to feel saved. It did feel nice to have hands on my head and hugs afterward, but I never felt that magical moment that I was expecting. And I would wonder, did I do it wrong? Is it just one heart per event? Did Jesus pick someone else?

It was kind of the same with WW. The first time, I did feel successful, but it was tempered with bouts of guilt and worry over my cravings and my binges and again, the unmaintainability of this lifestyle. My next attempts just never worked. When I gained the weight back, I kept trying to figure out how I was doing it wrong. What was my psychological hole? I felt guilty and confused. All of my energy was spent on calculating how much I could eat and how much I should exercise to be able to eat more. It felt nice to go to the meetings and good to follow a plan, but I could not figure out that "thin feeling" that could be better than food!

Then Whole30 stepped up to the altar. Yike, wait, back up, that might be too much, although I have called the plan a miracle in my last post, and yes, I might even feel "saved" at the moment...but let's just say: My feelings for (and on) the Whole30 plan are very different. When I started Whole30, something just clicked. The meals that I have are not huge or tiny. I am satisfied and, honest to goodness, I do not have cravings. When I'm hungry, I eat. I try to plan for protein and fat for snacks and meals. And I do have to spend some energy looking up new (and delicious) recipes to keep my meals varied and my tummy happy, plus I have to be sure to have groceries each week rather than picking up fast food or getting pizza. But that's it.

I realize now that what I was eating on the WW program was triggering cravings, binges, migraines, bad health, and unhealthy habits. On Whole30 I have no temptation to binge. It is day 19 and I just got through a round of days where normally I crave chocolate, cheese, and bread and would eat as much as I could hold. But this time: not. Not a single craving, except maybe once for a piece of gum because I had dragon breath. These foods are all around me almost all the time and, while they do smell good, my body just does not want them. I can't express to you in words how amazing this is or what this feels like, except to say that it just feels right.

In exploring this just right feeling every day, I've also come to learn that I don't need to choose between food and thin. When the food is right, the body will heal. I've dropped 8 pounds without trying and without exercising much in the past three weeks. To lose 8 pounds in 19 days without a craving (except for that gum incident) is really something.

Oh, in case you are worrying about my Jesus-less heart, over time I have come to understand that I never really needed to be saved all those times way back when: love, wisdom, and goodness were in my heart all along; I just needed to stop and listen.

Aw.